


Rules Of N.E.S.T.

by Whatchuknowboutme



Category: Transformers (Bay Movies), Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers Generation One
Genre: Dysfunctional Family, F/M, Family, Gen, Humor, M/M, Romance, Rules
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-12
Updated: 2015-09-09
Packaged: 2018-04-04 02:00:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 27,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4121953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whatchuknowboutme/pseuds/Whatchuknowboutme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kathy Woodward was just a regular elementary school teacher, as long you ignored her minor obsessions with gummy bears, anime, and old books. She's a bit too sassy, uses too much fowl language, and she sucks at interacting with anyone above the age of ten years old. At least, she was until one night a giant flaming ball of doom named Ultra Magnus decided to crash itself into her petunias. When even more transforming cars show up, she decided to fuck it and go with the flow. Now, for reasons she can't really remember, Kathy is now Director of NEST, which means she's in charge of the base school's curriculum, wrangling in the twins, and their PR campaign. She also has to rewrite the base rules because the old ones suck. Because it's not like she was busy or anything. NOTE: THIS IS A RULES FIC WITH ONESHOTS THROUGHOUT. THERE IS AN OVERARCHING STORYLINE BUT IT IS STILL A RULES FIC. IT IS FOR HUMOR ONLY.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1-20

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I've been posting this story on FF.net for quite awhile and I figured it was time to try it out here! I don't know how popular Rules stories are here, but Imma try anyway. The story is constantly changing and evolving and it's probably my most popular work. Hope you enjoy!

Now, don't get me wrong, I've seen a lot of bullshit in my life. A lot of bullshit. But honey, I don't even know how the hell I ended up here. I'm an elementary school teacher, not some fancy-smancy government agent person. Teaching a bunch of children under the age of ten and filing paperwork is all I'm qualified to do. I mean yeah, I know some martial arts and I can handle a gun as well as the next country girl, but military life was never really my thing, ya know? But yet, here I am. Writing a bunch of rules because King Shithead, aka Galloway, had some kind radioactive pole bigger than Metroplex up his ass when he was still director and even Prowl thinks his rules were fucking excessive. So here I am, babysitting giant robots from space, making up the Rules of N.E.S.T. as I go, all the while being expected to do paperwork AND design a curriculum for the base school, not to mention wrangling in the twins and running our P.R. campaign. Lovely. It's not like I'm busy or anything. But hey, it's not that bad here. No rent, free food, and a pretty good paycheck. And seeing as I'm gonna delete this entire section before giving this thing to Prowler to publish anyway, the eye candy here's not too bad either. Especially a certain bright blue big rig. *winks*

Rule #1. When meeting your new Director for the first time, do not under ANY circumstance growl for no reason and transform like we're being attacked just to scare them.

(Ironhide, you're an asshole.)

(Ironhide: Hehehe.)

Rule #2. Keep your Holoform as attractive as you wish it to be.

(Trust me, I don't mind. At all.)

Rule #3. Don't make fun of my accent.

(Twins major and minor, Ironhide, Bumblebee, and Jazz. That's just the 'bots.)

Rule #4. It is indeed hilarious to stuff popcorn kernels into Ironhide's guns while he's in recharge, but only if you're across and/or off base before he figures it out.

(Sunstreaker, Sideswipe, and me for 'accidentally' giving them the idea.)

(Sideswipe: Thanks for covering Kathy.)

(Yeah, yeah. You're welcome.)

Rule #5. No protesting via daily food fights or you will be the ones cleaning it up.

(I know thats all it's good for, I'm working on it I swear.)

Rule #6. You must wear your full uniform to formation, I don't care if it was Vodka Night at your favorite bar the night before.

(Lennox: But Kaaaattthhhyyy!~)

(No Will!)

Rule #7. No more ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.

(We live in the middle of the Nevada Desert. It's september. I'm proud that you guys are donating to charity and raising awareness, but seriously.)

Rule #8. DON'T BLOW UP THE OBSTACLE COURSE!

(Damn it Ironhide, not again!)

(Ironhide: What now?)

(Why would you do that!? We're on a budget you moron!)

(Ironhide: Watch it red...)

(You know what?... I'm telling Prime.)

(Ironhide: HEY!)

Rule #9. Optimus Prime is the overworked Dad on base and don't you forget it.

(Everyone tells on eachother.)

(Sunstreaker: Optimus! Sideswipe scratched my paint!)

(Sideswipe: I DID NOT!)

(Sunstreaker: DID TOO!)

(Sideswipe: DID NOT!)

(Optimus:... *sigh*...)

(Case and Point.)

Rule #10 Disney movies are to be watched only behind closed doors, unless given express permission.

(I can only sit through so much of "Let it go" and "Make a Man out of You" before I start singin' and no one wants that.)

Rule #11 Any neutrals, despite previous alliances and ranks, shall be welcomed on base after thorough questioning and temporary consfication of all weapons.

(I am required by DA LAW to have one serious rule.)

(Prowl: Don't call me that.)

(I outrank you. Shut up.)

Rule #12 Unless it is an emergency, the Comm System is to be used by officers only.

(I WANNA BE THE VERY BEST, LIKE NO ONE EVER WAS! TO CATCH THEM IS MY REAL TEST, TO TRAIN THEM IS MY CAAAAUUUUSSSEE!)

(Miles, Sam, and Leo.)

(Leo is not a good singer. At all. Worse than me, even.)

Rule #13. Please inform all new arrivals of the crushable aspects of the human race.

(Sunny tried to step on me. Thought I was Earth's version of an insect. Glitch.)

(Red Alert accused me of being a spy for the Decepticons in under five minutes of my arrival. We hadn't even spoken yet. Optimus was not pleased.)

(Wheeljack picked me up and brought me close to his face to ask me questions, ever the mad scientist/inventor. At least, I think they were questions. He hadn't learned english yet.)

(Ultra Magnus just sort of held me in hand staring at me while he talked with Optimus and the others. I stared back. He has nice eyes, even for an Autobot.)

Rule #14 If you want to go on a road trip, ask me first.

(Sam, Miles, and Bumblebee.)

(They wanted to see the Redwoods in California.)

(Apparently Cybertonians can't comprehend an organic life form being taller than them.)

(The trip is planned for October.)

Rule #15 Myth Busters is banned from base.

(Jackie gets ideas. Those don't end well. He is a mech after my own spar-. I mean heart.)

Rule #16 Leave Barricade ALONE.

(Just because we have his weapons doesn't mean he can't still hurt you.)

(Mech got claws glitches.)

(Oh, and no one likes a grumpy Miles either.)

Rule #17 Optimus should only be pulled out of recharge if someone is either dead, dying, or the base is under attack by Decepticons.

(Poor mech doesn't get enough sleep as is.)

(Optimus: While I appreciate your concern, I am always able to take time out of my schedule, night or day, for my soldiers. You know that Katherine.)

(I know Boss Bot, but you need your rest more than anything else. You are the 'bots' morale.)

(He just sighed and nodded, before walking away. He looked sad for just a millisecond, but it was there.)

Rule #18 While I commend you for your Holiday Spirit, please refrain from requesting a weaker willed autobot to shoot off fireworks.

(Even if they do look super cool.)

(Sam, Miles, Leo, Sharsky, Fassbinder, Will, Epps... Myself. The whole shebang.)

Rule #19 Actually, no fireworks ever without the supervision of at least one officer, exluding Jazz.

(He encourages stupidity to a whole new level.)

AND FINALLY...

*whispers* drum roll please~

tatatata

tatatata

tatatata

tatatata

tatatata

Rule #20 If you wish to survive more than a week in his presence should you get injured, do not, and I repeat, DO NOT steal Ratchet's wrenches or incur his wrath in anyway, shape, or form.

(This rule needs no explanation.)


	2. Rules 21-40

21\. Please remember before you steal the coffee that you are on a military base full of caffeine addicted jar heads that will not hesitate to HUNT YOU DOWN.

( Even I have a gun.)

(By the time we're done with you, you'll wish you had just been sent to the brig.)

(Leo, Miles)

22\. Yes, the Decepticons are the dark side, but they don't have any cookies!

(Stop telling that to the base kids! Especially Annabelle!)

(Besides, even if they did have cookies, they'd be some bullshit like oatmeal raisin or something.)

(Because Cons are evil and they need evil cookies.)

23\. Whenever Sam's parents visit, don't threaten their dogs.

(Judy's started to bring a bat with her.)

(And she will not hesitate to use it.)

(And if you ignore this rule, Ratchet has informed me that he will not treat any 'Bot stupid enough to do so.)

(IRONHIDE, Sunstreaker, IRONHIDE, Starscream, IRONHIDE, Skywarp, Barricade, oh, and IRONHIDE.)

24\. Kira is the pride and joy of all the seekers on base.

(They absolutely adore her.)

(Even Starscream.)

(Especially Starscream.)

(If you do anything to hurt her, accidentally or on purpose, you better hope you have your will written out.)

(... Watch out for Skyfire...)

25\. RAVAGE IS NOT A CAT.

(Enough said really.)

(You will end up in Med Bay if you treat him like one.)

(And I will laugh.)

26\. Remember to use headphones when on your computer.

(The walls in the Soldier's Quarters are NOT soundproof.)

(There's a reason that Sam and Miles have all but moved into Barricade's stupid hanger.)

(And Kira bunks with the seekers in theirs.)

(I've turned the room next to my office into my room. It was already connected anyways.)

(Nananananana, I HAVE AN EN SUITE AND YOU DON'T~~)

27\. Don't spike any of the drinks.

(That includes the energon.)

(While it is hilarious to watch a bunch of overcharged Transformers wander around, some of them are prone to falling over.)

(This is not a good thing when you are a tiny, squishable human being.)

(Leo, Epps, Chevy Twins.)

28\. Just because I have a bum shoulder doesn't mean I can't kick your ass.

(Leo challenged me. I accepted.)

(Five seconds later, he was on the ground groaning.)

(Ironhide almost fell over, he was laughing so hard.)

(Optimus just shook his head and went back to work.)

(Ultra Magnus chuckled!)

(SCORE!)

(...*coughs embarrassedly*...)

29\. If you mess up, you're on paperwork duty.

(Even the autobots. You have holoforms for a reason dammit.)

(I'd do it myself but my shoulder can't take it.)

(That and I'm lazy.)

(Reggie can't 'cuz he's old.)

(Simmons: It's a wonder how you managed to stay in S.H.I.E.L.D. for so long.)

(I was too good at my job for them to care.)

30\. NO CONFETTI CANNONS.

(Not even on birthdays!)

(It gets into the 'bots gears, and under their armor, and is a pain in the chassis to get out.

HOLIDAY RULES!

31\. Don't tell the cybertronians about Santa. Especially Red Alert.

(But if it does happen to slip out, look around for small children so they're not traumatized for life, then tell whichever bot you were talking to that Santa is not actually real.)

(Seriously though, make sure there's no kids around.)

(We can't afford the therapy.)

32\. No more drunk Christmas Kareoke.

(Simmons really likes Egg Nogg.)

(*whistles innocently*)

33\. Fruit cake is no longer allowed on base.

(People were throwing it at eachother instead of eating it.)

(Someone got a concussion.)

(... Gross.)

34\. Humans: Do NOT attempt to make a cybertronian sized snowman.

(It will end in tears and broken bones.)

35\. If I see you decorating Ironhide in garlands and tensel while he's in recharge, please remember that I have gone temporarily blind.

(When your screams of terrors begin, please remember that I have also gone temporarily deaf and will not be able to save you from his wrath.)

( If you ask nicely enough, Optimus will let you hang a wreath from his altmode's grill.)

36\. Don't mention Christmas to Ratchet or he'll throw a wrench at you.

(All the junk food makes him grumpier than usual.)

37\. No more candy cane shivs.

(Not after what happened to Leo last week.)

(We dare not speak of it.)

38\. Don't hang the Casseticons from the christmas tree.

(It annoys Soundwave.)

(Laserbeak makes a great star though.)

39\. Christmas Carols are the bane of my existense.

(If I hear 'Ruldolph the red-nosed reindeer' or 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' one more time, I'm gonna have an aneurysm.)

(Every person I see even HUMMING a christmas carol is going on paperworl duty for a week.)

(Am I abusing the authority granted by my position?... Yeah, probably.)

(Too bad I don't give a fuck.)

40\. STOP DECORATING THE BASE WITH OTHER CYBERTRONIANS.

(PRIMUS. HOW HARD OF A CONCEPT IS THAT TO COMPREHEND?!)

(And don't decorate with humans either.)

(The glue you guys use makes us itch.)


	3. 41-55

41\. Do NOT tell Red Alert horror stories.

(While it's funny at first, it always ends in tears of frustration.)

(Because he will keep all the lights on. All Night.)

(Not even the kids will be allowed to sleep.)

(The only ones who ever get to sleep through Red Alert's insanity is Optimus, Barricade, and the Seekers.)

(Boss Bot for obvious reasons. And Barricade and the seekers don't stay in the main base.)

(Lucky slaggers.)

42\. Do NOT ask the 'bots if they know the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything.

(You'll make 'em glitch.)

(The Hatchet won't be happy.)

(...... It's 42.)

43\. Do pay for the weekly 'insurance' from Sunstreaker and Sideswipe.

(If you don't, you deserve whatever sick plot they have saved up.)

(Ultra Magnus: Agent Woodward, do you approve of their constant misbehavior?)

(Why of COURSE not Magnus. I am simply informing the new arrivals of the risks they have taken from joining N.E.S.T.)  
(Ultra Magnus:....... hmmmm. *leaves*)

(........... *sighs*)

44\. Ironhide does not look good in Pink!  
(Sunny, Sides.)  
(I think my eyes are still bleeding......)

45\. Never ask Jazz for permission to do ANYTHING.

(He'll go along with whatever it is.)

(Still confused about how he got in any position of authority.)

(Prowl: The same could said for you Director Woodward.)

(Oh stuff it Prowler.)

46\. Make sure I remember to take my medication EVERY morning.

(NOTHING WILL GET DONE, OKAY! NOTHING.)

(I WILL DO ANYTHING I CAN TO GET OUT OF DOING PAPERWORK.)

(So, whenever my trusty sidekick Ultra Magnus isn't here, I need all the help I can get.)

(I usually bribe Simmons before hand. I've got shit to do, all right?)

47\. Do NOT let me mix Red Bull and Nyquil.(Courtesy of the wonderful serenabishop97. I thank you kindly for your contribution.)

(Okay, in my defense, I was half-delirious with the fucking plague or something.)

(This was traumatizing for involved, okay? Even me.)

(One day, a month or so ago, I woke up feeling like a peice of shit. Like.... not even fresh shit, kay? Old, moldy cat shit that you should have picked up last week but forgot about until just now.)

(Wonderful image huh?)

(Anyway, I woke up this one particular day feeling and looking like a gerbil chewed me up and spit me out, and I was tired. So tired. And Cold. I did not want anything to do with the world beyond my nice, warm bed.)

(But of course, I just had to have a job where I'd actually be missed if I didn't come in. I was in utter DESPAIR. I had the "I don't wanna"s.)

(But then I remembered I had some Nyquil still hiding in one of my suitcases. But that would just put me to sleep right? Couldn't have that right? Too much shit to do.)

(Of course, for some reason I'm still not sure of, I found a redbull in that same suitcase. I don't why it was in there, seeing as I don't really like the stuff, but whatever.)

(So, in all the logic that is granted to someone on their deathbed such as I, which is NONE btw, I figured it'd be a good idea to mix the two.)  
(I would later regret this desision. And so would everyone else.)

(I still don't remember what all I did but....I THINK I flirted with Magnus.)

(I'm pretty sure, because he was acting super awkward the next day. Enough for even me, in my illness induced haze, to notice. He was nice enough to do some of my paperwork during my extended stay in the Hatchet's tender care.)

(Primus bless him.)

48\. If I see you touching any of my books without my express permission, consider yourself on paperwork duty and be ready to move into the brig.

(I'm VERY protective of my books. I've had too many people borrow a book from me before and either not give it back or return it utterly destroyed.)

(Don't even bother asking about the books in the one with glass doors. Most, if not all, of those are fifty years old at least.)

(I have a display case for my copy of the Secret Garden. It's over one hundred years old.)

(I'm very proud.)

49\. DO quote your favorite movies!~ (Anyone who can name the movie Kathy's quotes are from gets a free oneshot on any rule of their choice, present or future.)  
("Boy, you so skinny that if you turned sideways and stuck your tounge out, you'd look like a zipper!" I say this to Sam all the time.)

("You got something sporty? You know, like a tuna? " I said this when I met Optimus Prime and Ironhide. Will burst out laughing and Ironhide began growling. Optimus didn't get it. I was then introduced to Sideswipe.)

(Leo asked for some suggestions for avoiding Ironhide, this is after the Popcorn incident, and I very cheerfully stated, "Yeah. Don't get shot!")

("You are a bureaucrat, are you not? Judging from your diminished physique, greasy fingers, and large forehead, you are suited for nothing else!" I said this to Galloway last week. I changed it to fit, but the soul is still there.)

50\. No taking the kids for joy rides without permission!

(SERIOUSLY. It was bad enough when it was just the grounders doing it, but now the seekers are too!)

(Guys, regular pilots wear masks up there for a reason!)

51\. No falling asleep during meetings. (A little thing about Kathy/Magnus that was requested by the amazing Shadow Night Prime. Thank you!)

(I fell asleep during last week's meeting with Galloway and General Morshower. I don't get enough sleep, so they just left me there. Galloway was about to blow a gasket apparently.)

(Magnus carried me back to my room/office using his holoform, which btw, is smoking. I mean.... DAMN. ANYWAY. He carried back to my office and left me on the overstuffed couch I have in there to make it look more 'welcoming.' I couldn't afford to store any of the shit from my old apartment so I took it all with me. Most of it's a storage room here on base now.)

(.... If I ever find out who drew on my face with a sharpie, you're fucking dead.)

52\. "What Does the Fox Say" and flash mobs are forever banned at parties. (Shadow Night Prime. )

(I will admit... this was not my idea. It was Will's. But oh my GOD was it brilliant.)

(It was the Halloween party right? And us humans decided it'd be funny to play a prank on the bots. You know, a 'trick'? Well. It worked. And it was GLORIOUS.)

(Sarah and I came dressed as foxes right at the start. Same costume and everything. We pretended to get into a "OH MY GOD SHE'S WEARING THE SAME OUTFIT THAT BITCH" fight. The 'bots, in holoform of course, were just STARING at us in utter horror, because Sarah and I are pretty much best friends. Except Magnus, because he already knew. He was just shaking his head at us.)

(That's when the music started. And oh primus was it amazing. I started dancing, than Sarah, Will, and Epps. Miles shouted "FLASH MOB!" Everyone else joined in after putting on their fox ears.)

(We got Optimus to laugh! YUS! He was laughing so hard by the time it was over, so overcame by the ridiculousness and insanity that we were.)  
(We were so proud of ourselves.)

53\. Don't interrupt me during my Holiday movie marathon!

(It's my way of getting into the spirit of christmas.)

(I watch such classics as Home Alone, Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, and..... Barbie & The Nutcracker. Shut up.)

54\. Don't eat the decorations.

(Sam, Leo, Epps, Will, and any other being able to consume popcorn and gingerbread cookies.)

(Miles and I spent HOURS making those cookies and hanging them on the tree! Don't even bring up stringing the popcorn!)

55\. No gag gifts or 'ticking' boxes.

(If Red Alert glitches one more time, human or not, Ratchet's gonna send you to the scrap heap.)


	4. Redwood Trip One Shot!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bots and I go on a road trip. It goes... horribly well actually. For, you know, a road trip with sentient cars from outer space who REALLY don't know how to behave in public.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a request from a review who wanted a one shot based on rule #14. I hope you enjoy! Also, you can request rules you want to see in this story. Also, this story now has both a Tumblr AND a Twitter! Come on over and say hi! https://twitter.com/DirektrWoodward and http://direktrwoodward.tumblr.com/

Ya know, in hindsight, this trip was not one o' my best ideas. For several reasons, really. California was in the middle of a draught and I thought taking a bunch of giant robots, many of whom are pyromaniacs, to see some of the oldest and biggest trees on our mudball of a planet was a good idea. I mean, what could possibly go wrong? I almost said no, like it was leaving my vocal cords and on its way out my mouth. I was just about to speak those dream shattering words, along with some sad excuse like "I'm sorry Bumblebee, it's just not in the budget at the moment. Maybe next year,"when it happened.

Now, don't go thinking I'm a heartless bitch or anything. That title belongs to the majority of my high school graduating class. But back to not being a bitch. I'm thirty-three. I became an elementary school teacher at 23 and taught for ten years. Those were some of the best years of my life. Don't get me wrong, those were some stressful times too. Imagine a brightly colored class room full of a bunch of six year olds screaming their heads off during playtime. I had a regular subscription to Migraine City. But it was still a lot of fun. I had to deal with lots of puppy eyes and trembling lips during those ten years before I was made Director of NEST. I'm pretty good at saying no to big eyes, if I do say so myself.

Back to the event that spawned a disaster. Now, I'm a woman, specifically not a bad looking one either. I have indeed used my 'feminine wiles' to get what I've wanted in the past. I'm 5'10 and like to wear heels, so I naturally have the ability to literally stare down any man stupid enough to get in my way. Combined with my love of aviators, steely blue eyes, and my red hair, I am not afraid to punch you and look fabulous at the same time. But primus, some of these damned 'bots got nothing on me. I mean seriously, have you ever seen Bumblebee's puppy eyes? Have you ever heard that sad trill of his? It fucking pierces your heart...

I ended up agreeing and thus began my descent into my ever growing madness. Luckily, my autobot partner helped with the preparations a lot over the following weeks. Most of the autobots have humans they prefer to work with, as you well know, like Bumblebee and Sam, Barricade and Miles, and the Chevy Twins and Leo. Unlike those losers, no offense to the bots, I'VE got the best autobot partner. He's perfect for me! He makes sure I get my work done, whenever I'm forcing it upon others for 'punishment.' He helped organize my office, I make him take a break and a weekly day off because he's Workaholic Level 85. We balance eachother out. My partner is none other than Optimus Pri-. No. NO. NOOO. I'm joking, I swear. It's Ultra Magnus. He imprinted on me when he first arrived and it's like we just, I don't know, clicked? Eh. Opposites attract I guess.

If the prep for this damn road trip wasn't bad enough, the drive was fucking torture. Thirteen hour long drive. Thirteen hours having to deal with many, many, MANY renditions of the Cybertronian classic "1,000 Cubes of Energon On the Wall," courtesy of Sunny and Sides. Sometimes, Ironhide and Barricade even threw in some insults concerning their heritage to spice things up a little! Yeah, no, we were about six hours in when Magus and I decided we no longer wished to have contact with the outside world and he was kind enough to turn off his comm link. I took a nap for the first time in months. Primus bless him. And I'm pretty Optimus had his off the entire time.

Would you believe me if I said the actual visit was completely uneventful? No, I'm serious. Nothing blew up or anything. They were all too fascinated by everything. It was so peaceful there. So... quiet. I'm normally someone who hates silence, but there, surrounded by these enormous trees, I didn't mind so much. It's a humbling feeling really, being around these ancient life forms, hundreds of years older than you. They've seen so much of the past, and you just know that they're going to outlive you by hundreds of years. It never really registered with me, even though I'd been living with the autobots for months. I still don't know why it was different. Maybe having an actual connection with the trees, being organic and all that... I don't know. I do know that I felt at peace for a long time after that. You know, until Skids and Mudflap got into a fight on the way back to the parking lot.

It was quiet on the drive home. I know none of the humans were asleep for most of the ride home and obviously none of the bots were. But... that was okay. It wasn't a bad silence. I think it was more... pensive than anything...

The best memory I have of that trip was Magnus holding me in hand and letting jump on to a tree branch on one of the smaller trees. We watched the sunset together. It was... nice.


	5. 56-70

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please send in some rules! Remember to check out both my twitter and tumblr pages! Links on profile!

56\. Do leave cryptic messages on data pads and other workstations.

(This was a wonderful day.)

(I typed "I know what you did last summer." on Miles' workpad. He paled and showed it to Sam.)

(I swear he almost fainted right there and screamed for Bumblebee.)

(... what the hell did those three do!?)

(I swear if I have to do anymore paperwork because of those morons, I'll kill them!)

57\. DO NOT get yourself purposefully towed and then proceed to escape and run amok downtown!

(Bumblebee, Ironhide, Jazz, Hound, Crossfire, Wheeljack, and both sets of Twins.)

(Barricade tried to do it too, but he forgot he was a cop car.)

(Wheeljack said he was performing an experiment. When asked what said experiment was, he didn't have an answer.)

(How can someone so naturally intelligent be so dumb?)

58 a. DO NOT walk around with mannequin limbs and hit the bots with them.

(Even if the obvious confusion on their face is hilarious.)

(Sam, Miles, Leo, Fassbinder, Sharsky, Lennox, Epps, myself, hell, even Simmons.)

58 b. DO NOT paint mannequin arms your skin color, stick them in your sleeve, then have a friend 'pull' your arm off and have fake blood spray everywhere!

(The bots will freak the FUCK OUT.)

(And you'll traumatize the base kids!)

(Seriously, don't do that! It's gross!)

(If I ever find those two soldiers who did it... GRRRRRR!)

59\. DO teach Kira and Annabelle to act like Samara from the Ring.

(Especially Kira! With her hair, it's not that hard to do the costume. And her norwegian accent gives her a very creepy factor.)

(We did it right after everyone had watched the Ring for the first time. It was the best prank I've ever pulled.)

(Excluding that time I convinced the Avengers I was a guy for two months.)

60\. DO make the world's best slip n' slide using several tarps, water, and lots of dish soap.

(It's summer in Nevada okay?! I thought it got hot in Tennessee but Primus, it's even worse here!)

(Even the bots were overheating and they can withstand much worse!)

(And hey, after using a hose to wash off the soap, no one needed to use a shower or the washracks. Everyone was practically sparkling, especially the bots.)

61\. When Magnus and I are on leave, we're on leave damn it.

(THAT MEANS DO NOT CALL US FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN A LEGIT EMERGENCY.)

(AND NO, THE BASE BEING SET ON FIRE AGAIN DOESN'T COUNT.)

(WE WERE OVER 500 MILES AWAY *804.672 KM FOR THE NON AMERICANS READING THIS* GUYS! WHAT THE HELL WERE WE SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT IT!?)

(MILES, LENNOX, SIMMONS, ETC.)

(Ultra Magnus: Nothing less than a decepticon attack will get me back there before our two weeks are up.)

(Ex-fucking-actly.)

62\. If you decide a road trip is a suitable idea for your assigned two week leave, please remember to pack enough supplies for both you and your cybertronian guardian.

(This includes energon and enough money for hotels and food.)

(If you forget to pack enough energon, you might just end up stranded in the middle of nowhere with an offline 'bot on your hands.)

(Epps, Leo, Fassbinder, Sharsky.)

63 a. Whatever you do, do not tell Red Alert about Earth's conspiracy theories.

(Especially the ones about secret organizations.)

(He's paranoid enough guys.)

(I do not need that stress in my life.)

(Miles, Sam, and Leo, the little shits.)

63 b. DO NOT tell Sunstreaker, Sideswipe, Skids, or Mudflap any conspiracy theories either!

(THEY'RE STUPID ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THEM!)

(Aforementioned Idiots: HEY!)

(What? You do!)

64\. DO NOT quote Mythbusters! It drives the Science Bots to inspiration. (Requested by seranabishop97! Sorry it took so long to do, I wanted to wait a few chapters before I mentioned them again!)

(Lennox to Epps after Wheeljack's latest experiment blew up in his face: Am I missing an eyebrow?)

(He was.)

(Miles after he ordered a broken Aflack toy from eBay: QUACK DAMN YOU!)

(I don't know.)

(Wheeljack to Shockwave and Starscream after a project blew up for 'no reason': Failure is always an option.)

(Starscream to the base kids during a tour of the Science Wing for a lesson *pointing at Wheeljack*: Remember kids, the only difference between screwing around and science is writing it down.)

(Shockwave slapped him upside the helm for that, which made the kids giggle.)

(Miles to Sam after he was told he couldn't eat ice cream for breakfast: I reject your reality and substitute my own!)

(I like Miles' thinking.)

(Wheeljack to Ironhide and Crosshairs during target practice with a whole company *about 50-60 soldiers*: Our deathray doesn't seem to be working.)

(To which the two chuckled maniacally and/or groaned dissapointedly.)

(Which, of course, sent the whole company running/diving for cover.)

(Their idea of a joke I guess.)

(At least... I hope it was a joke.)

(... IRONHIDE!)

65\. No chair racing in the halls!

(Someone went a little too far, going way too fast, and went flying!)

(Which should have been funny...)

(Except we were on the third floor... in the main 'bot hangar.)

(Yeah... they're on medical leave for awhile...)

65\. Don't take the batteries out of the Officers' alarm clocks the night before world leaders are supposed to visit base.

(Even if they would have been late to the meeting anyway.)

(Putin kept giving the evil eye.)

(The Queen is cool though.)

(Whether you like him or not, Obama is hilarious.)

66\. Even if he finds it hilarious, do not call your company supply sergeant "Sugar Daddy."

(This needs no explanation really.)

(Lennox, Epps, several random soldiers.)

67\. Rachet is not "Dr. Feelgood."

(This is a good way to get a wrench to the face.)

(Leo, Sam, Sunny, Sides, and Jazz.)

68\. Do NOT put bumber stickers on the altmodes of Optimus, Ironhide, and Magnus while they're in recharge. Especially not ones that say "KEEP ON TRUCKING."

(This is a good way to get either A. A look of dissapointment from Optimus, B. A cannon to the face, or C. A week in the brig.)

(Optimus kept his on though.)

(Leo, Miles, Lennox... me.)

69\. Do NOT to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters. *I just had to put this one to honor it's number.*

(... Even if you look damn good.)

(Someone snapped a picture of Magnus in his holoform after he had just come in from the rain and he was soaking wet.)

(They made it into a poster and hung copies all over the base. He was so pissed.)

(I may or may not have snatched one before he tore them all down...)

(... HUSH.)

70\. DO NOT give 'magic beans' to Skids, Mudflap, or any base kids. This is considered cruel and unusual.

(Especially if they're just pinto beans spray painted with glitter on them.)

(The only kid smart enough to realize it's a joke is Kira and that's only because she's too smart for her own good anyway.)

(Otherwise, have fun breaking the hearts of about 50 or so kids all under the age of 10.)

(Yeah, it's a real funny joke ain't it asswipe?)

(Unknown soldier who as soon as he's found is getting two demerits, cleaning and paperwork duty for a month, along with two months in the brig.)


	6. 71-85

71\. Flinstones Vitamins are not candy and you shouldn't treat them as such.(Personal experience.)

(Ratchet does not enjoy pumping human stomachs. Especially if you've done something stupid LIKE OVERDOSING ON CHILDREN'S VITAMINS.)

(Leo, Sam, Will, and Miles)

72\. Sock puppets are inanimate objects and can not take responsibility for your actions.

(Have you ever seen a 50 foot tall robot with a giant sock puppet on his hand?)

(No?)

(I have...)

(... *sighs*...)

(Lennox, Fig, Epps, Leo, Sam, Miles, Bumblebee, Skywarp, Sunstreaker, Sideswipe, and Jazz)

73 a. DO call Chief Master Sergeant Epps and Major Lennox 'Mom' and 'Dad' respectively.

(It started as a joke really. It started after Epps told Leo to go do something and Leo, being the sarcastic little shit he is, went "Yes Moooom.")

(It was all down hill from there.)

(Lennox finds it absolutely hilarious.)

(Epps does not.)

(Annabelle is surprisingly cool with having so many new brothers and sisters.)

(Almost every soldier under their command does it.)

73 b. DO NOT call me Mom, Mother, Ma, or Mama!

(Sometimes I hate the twins.)

(So much.)

(Sideswipe: Yeah, love you too Ma!)

(Grrrrr...)

(Well... it's not so bad. It's kind of touching that they like me that much actually.)

(Both sets of Twins and Sam *Ma*, Leo and Bumblebee*Mom*, Miles *Mother*, Sharsky, Fasbinder, and Fig *Mama*.)

74\. DO hide your inflatable sheep when your officers are giving room inspections.

(Inflatable sheep are not the strangest things we've found while giving an inspection.)

(It's up there, but it's really not.)

(... Soldiers are weird.)

(But the bots are weirder still.)

(These four are grouped together because they all live in Barricade's hangar o' doom.)

(Miles, Sam, Bumblebee, and Barricade.)

75\. DO NOT inhale sulfur hexafluoride and then act as if you've been possessed!

(This happened right after a couple bots in holoforms had a horror movie marathon in the human rec room because Wheeljack blew up the TV in the other one.)

(Miles and Sam popped up behind the couch and with really deep voices said "I am in need of a more suitable host body...")

(Then the Inception theme rang out across the rec room.)

(They had gotten Soundwave in on it... Somehow.)

(Skywarp screams really loud.)

(So loud he woke me up and I had fallen asleep in my office the next floor up.)

(Red Alert has the whole prank on record.)

(It's glorious.)

76\. DO NOT pretend to drink Listerine in front of the bots!

(I have six words for you, dear readers.)

(Listerine bottle, vodka, and green food coloring.)

(Lennox, Leo, Fig, and Epps.)

78\. NO, you can not arrest base kids for being rude!

(Barricade and Prowl)

(You know better the both of you!)

(Prowl: The youngling was cursing at me in german Agent Woodward.)

(Doesn't matter! If a kid is misbehaving, tell his parents. DON'T STICK HIM IN THE BRIG!)

79 a. A two drink limit does not mean first and last.

(Lennox, Epps, Fig, Jazz, Chevy Twins, Shockwave, and Hound.)

79 b. A two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

(Sarah, Ironhide, Wheeljack, Starscream, Skywarp, Sam, and Miles.)

79 c. A two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as big as you like.

(Leo, myself, Simmons, Crosshairs, Lambo Twins, Ratchet, Soundwave, and *sometimes* Optimus.)

80\. Calvin Ball is not to be played EVER.

(At least, not without proper supervision.)

(Nope, scratch that, it shall never be played EVER AGAIN.)

(I thought Ratchet was gonna glitch when we all came in from PT with injuries ranging from a few scratches to legit broken bones.)

(Skywarp and Skyfire are really good at Calvin Ball. Which is surprising because Skyfire is a pacifist. Guess games don't count.)

(Me, Leo, Sam, Miles, Sharsky, Fassbinder, Lennox, Epps, Fig, assorted cybertronians in Holoforms.)

81\. DO convince a 'bot to do a King Kong thing with you!

(This was me and Skywarp. We climbed to the top of the water tower and he went nuts. It was a lot of fun.)

(The humans and bots who got the joke all had to sit down, they were laughing so hard.)

(The others were just confused.)

(Got a chuckle out of Optimus AND Magnus though!)

82\. NO, the seekers don't look like Doritos with legs and it's not a good idea to tell them that either!

(The only one who'll laugh is Skywarp and you'll possibly get a chuckle out of Skyfire.)

(Otherwise, it's a good way to get yourself a free ride at 10,000 feet.)

(Did I mention you'll be OUTSIDE the plane?)

(Leo, Sam, and Miles.)

83\. DO NOT do that stupid pig prank.

(You know, the one where you let three pigs loose with numbers on the side?)

(Don't do bullshit like that. It's too cliche.)

(On the plus side, now we have lots of extra bacon.)

84\. DO NOT build hoverboards for the base kids without permission from their parents!

(This actually hasn't yet, it's just preemptive measure.)

(Wheeljack built one for Kira that goes really fast so she could know what it's like to actually fly.)

(Starscream couldn't decide if he approved or not.)

85\. DO inform your commanding officer of the nature of your imprint bond once you and your partner have decided.

(Starscream and Kira's bond is a parent-child bond, which is really rather cute. That means that the rest of the seekers are like her crazy uncles.)

(Bumblebee and Sam's, along with Barricade and Miles' are romantic bonds.)

(Jazz and Epps' is a sibling bond. So is Ironhide and Lennox's.)

(The Chevy Twins have a sibling bond with Leo.)

(And the Lambo twins have a sibling bond with Fig.)

(Magnus and I... haven't decided yet... In fact, we haven't actually talked about it yet...)

(... *sigh*...)


	7. 85-100 WHOO, MADE IT TO MY FIRST 100!~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember to send in rules! And please share this story! I'd really like it if it could get more popular!

86\. DO NOT switch the lables on the Lambo Twins' paint supplies. (Thank you TriplechangerSpeedster1!)

(This is a good excuse for Sunny and Sides to initiate a man hunt on your aft.)

(They both care about their paint jobs very much, but Sunstreaker even more.)

(He is not necessarily SANE, especially when it comes to his paint.)

(You have been warned.)

87\. DO NOT mess with another cybertronian's scanner. (Once again, a big thank you to TriplechangerSpeedster1!)

(Did you know that 'bots can upload cars they've scanned onto another 'bots systerm? I didn't.)

(You see, what happened was... the twins, Sunny and Sides, had to do an undercover mission because there had been reports of decepticon activity in the area.)

(And Jazz, being the ABSOLUTE FUCKING GENIUS he is, decided to do such a thing while our resident evil incarnate twins were getting a virus-protection update from Ratchet. DOn't ask me how he convinced Ratchet to let him do it, because I don't have a clue.)

(Anyway, he told the twins that he had already uploaded their disguises for them so they went on their merry way to the town. Where they proceeded to flip their shit so to say.)

(Jazz had scanned and uploaded SMART CARS for their disguises. And not even pretty one either. These looked liked they had been tossed through a garbage disposal, they were that scratched up and ugly. I don't know where he found cars like that, and I don't want to know.)

(Let's just say the twins weren't happy. At all.)

88\. Jurassic Park is not real and you should not tell the 'bots that it is.

(Almost everyone wanted to find some dinosaurs!)

(While I would love to see some in person too, unlike them, I am a chewable being who is NOT the same size as T-Rex.)

(That... and velociraptors still haunt my dreams.)

89\. When he's here, treat with the upmost respect.

(Not Director, but MR. Galloway. Because I am director now... HAHAHAHA)

(Seriously though, treat him with respect, even if he is a bastard.)

(He's in charge of our budget.)

(No one is gonna listen to this one, are they Magnus?)

(Ultra Magnus: Most likely not Katherine.)

(Damn...)

90\. You can collect anything you want as long as it's not inappropriate.

(I collect books and hot sauce bottles from all around the world.)

(Bumblebee collects old records while Barricade collects Most Wanted Posters.)

(Sunstreaker collects yellow paint and wax, and Sideswipe collects paint remover and stiff wire brushes.)

(Obviously, they have an agreement not to use them on eachother.)

(But I can always see a glimmer a fear in Sunny's optic when Sides is counting his collection.)

(Hey, whatever keeps the team sane right?)

91\. Don't steal Ratchet's wrenches. If you do, do so at your own peril and DON'T BLAME SOMEONE ELSE.

(Last time the twins stole them, the Hatchet welded them to ceiling for a week.)

(Skids and Mudflap stole them last week and tried to blame it on the Lambo twins.)

(They're not very good liars, so Ratchet knew immediately.)

(Welded to the ceiling AND cleaning duty for two weeks.)

(Plus, he kicked their afts.)

92\. Do not enter the Science Wing without permission or alerting the Scientists that you're in there.

(This is a good way to die via explosion or noxious gas and no one know where you are.)

(You will be reported MIA.)

(Also, if Starscream or Shockwave catch you, they might use you for an experiment.)

(Wheeljack will yell at you and possibly cause an explosion in the process. Skyfire will just pick you up and put back outside the door.)

(Don't go in there. It's not worth it.)

93\. No scary movies are to be watched in the prescence of most cybertronians or the Director.

(I don't like scary movies. At all. And neither do most bots, except for maybe the ex-cons.)

(This includes movies like Paranormal Activities, Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Insidious, etc.)

(This list also includes Christine. The bots HATE that movie.)

(However, The Scary Movie series is allowed on base. It makes for some stupid fun. REALLY STUPID FUN. It's a guilty pleasure. *shrugs*)

94\. Ratchet's monthly check ups are mandatory and cannot be avoided. No questions asked.

(He will find you.)

(And he will heal you.)

(...*cracks up*...)

(Sam, Myself, Leo, Barricade, Sunstreaker, Ultra Magnus, Ironhide, Starscream, Skywarp, and Optimus Prime)

95\. Only use a nickname if that person allows you to.

(The only reason I'm allowed to call the Lambo twins Sunny and Sides is because I let them call me Ma.)

(Fig can do it because they've imprinted on him.)

(They'll try to step on anyone else who does.)

(You have been warned.)

(Leo, Sharsky, Fassbinder, Epps, Lennox)

96\. Don't TP the base. It's a pain in the aft to clean up.

(That doesn't mean you can TP recharging transformers either!)

(Though it was funny when Devastator woke up and couldn't move.)

(At least, it was until he realized what was wrong.)

(Can you say Hello Gaping Black Hole of Doom Sucking you to your Death?)

97\. Do not antagonize visiting diplomats.

(The only way we keep our budget and soldiers is to stay on the world's Good side guys.)

(You're lucky that one diplomat had a REALLY good sense of humor.)

(Most don't enjoy getting glued and feathered when in an expensive suit.)

(That man was weird.)

98\. Yes, you can prank the cons during a battle.

(In fact, go all out as long as you don't hit people on OUR side.)

(I can wait to see Megatron turn pink again.)

99\. Paintball is no longer allowed on base.

(Whether in holoform or in their regular bodies, Crosshairs and Ironhide are dangerous fraggers with a gun. No question.)

( Miles and I sniped people from the top of the water tower.)

(I think we almost had a civil war on our hands actually.)

100\. Don't draw on sleeping people during meetings. (WHOO, WE MADE IT TO 100 RULES GUYS! HIGH FIVES ALL AROUND! *throws confetti everywhere*)

(I came out of one meeting with a rather impressive mustache.)

(Sam had makeup on him.)

(Leo looked like a curly haired pikachu.)

(Miles came out giggling maniacally.)


	8. 101-115

101\. Do not repel down from the rafters and get in a bot's face.

(Ironhide almost shot Sam.)

(Red Alert screamed and glitched when Leo did it. It took Ratchet to the next day to unlock him.)

(Magnus just blinked at me when I did it Tarzan style. I kiss him on the face-plate as I went by. His face was hilarious.)

(Optimus couldn't stop laughing.)

102\. "Are we there yet?" is banned from base.

(This was gonna happen sooner or later, especially with so many kids running around.)

(Oh stop complaining! This is your fault guys!)

(Leo, Sharsky, Annabelle, Lennox, Sam, Bumblebee, Lambo Twins, assorted base kids, and Chevy Twins.)

103\. NEVER interrupt my beauty sleep! (Thank you for this great rule, ThePegasusDevice! They also gave a lot more rules and I'll tell you when they stop!)

(Or I'll interrupt yours.)

(Forever.)

(Ironhide, Ratchet, Ultra Magnus, Optimus Prime, Leo, both sets of twins.)

104\. Monopoly is also banned from base.

(We've played that game a grand total of TWICE since I became director.)

(The last time we played, we started at two in the afternoon, and when it was over, I won, it was four in the fucking morning.)

(We decided that that day was now a holiday and slept until the base-wide alarm clock woke us up the next morning.)

(NEVER AGAIN.)

105\. No more real life pokemon battles!

(This was Leo, Sharsky, and Fassbinder, the giant nerds.)

(They stood still in various hallways until some one, human or not, walked past them.)

(They then proceeded to play the original pokemon opening and challenge them to a pokemon battle.)

(They threw rubber balls and yelled "PIKACHU, I CHOOSE YOU!" and chased them if they ran away.)

(Of course, when said person eventually got pissed and pulled out a gun, they threw money and said they won and went back to standing still in the hallway until the next poor bastard walked past.)

(Eventually, those three had to go to the med bay.)

106\. Do not say that you are getting sick or that something gave you a heart attack around the Hatchet.

(He will take you seriously and confine you to the medbay.)

(And when he figures out that you were just joking, he'll wrench you!)

(Sarah, Epps, Fig, Myself, Simmons, and Jazz)

107\. Do not hide Ratchet's wrenches.

(He'll just find other things to throw at you.)

(Like maybe beakers or a stethoscope.)

(Maybe even a bed.)

(Sideswipe, Skids, Mudflap, Crosshairs, Jazz, and Ironhide.)

108\. Don't tell Ratchet he can't throw his wrenches at you because you're a squishy human.(THIS IS THE LAST ONE OF ThePegasusDevice's rules!)

(He has a holoform and set of human sized wrenches for a reason.)

(He'll do it even if you end up in his medbay because he gave you a concussion.)

(This rule also applies to any other transformer you can think of.)

(They're holoforms are stronger than we are.)

(If you don't believe me, ask that soldier who ended up in the medbay with a broken arm because he challenged Ironhide to an arm wrestle.)

109\. Don't glue the furniture in the rec room to the ceiling again. It was a pain in the aft to get down.

(Though, the faces of everyone who walked in were great.)

(We used special repelling harnesses to keep us in the seats and were just chilling upside down on the couch, watching tv.)

(Prowler glitched and Red Alert was so confused and scared.)

(Ratchet was worried about our blood rushing to our heads.)

(Bumblebee, myself, Sam, Leo, Barricade, and Miles.)

110\. Remember that the driver picks the music. Always.

(Optimus likes to listen to rock music, as long as it's not violent.)

(Magnus likes a lot of the same stuff as me, so it's not too bad.)

(Ratchet likes classical and Bee likes almost everything.)

(Jazz likes anything with a good rythm, while Ironhide likes hard rock.)

(Barricade likes screamo, big surprise.)

(Prowlers doesn't like earth music and Soundwave likes trance and dubstep.)

111\. Lego pieces are not allowed in the main hallways or either rec room.

(Holoforms can still feel pain and several bots like to go around barefoot.)

(Humans know the horrors of the dreaded lego.)

(Since posting this rule, they've been showing up everywhere...)

(TWIIINNS!)

112\. Do not use an experimental plant growth formula if Wheeljack or Shockwave made it.

(We're figuring out how to maybe grow plants in space for reasons.)

(Optimus asked the Science bots to try making some different formulas.)

(Wheeljack's just sorta... killed them. And Shockwave's worked... but may or may not have turned them into evil, carnivorous, man-eating plants of awesome size.)

(But the formulas that Starscream and Skyfire made worked!)

113\. Try not to 'accidently' squish Galloway using a military vehicle or a transformer.

(THIS DOES MEAN USE YOURSELF IRONIDE.)

(How many times do I have to tell you!? BUDGET, BUDGET, BUDGET!)

(You guys can survive for just a little longer can't you!?)

(Under three years guys. Under three years!)

(Keep telling yourself: Three years! Just three more years and everything will be ready!)

114\. No more Blair Witching!

(It freaks out EVERY ONE. Even the ex-cons!)

(If you don't know what 'Blair Witching' is, it's a reference to the movie, the "Blair Witch Project" where someone stands in the corner of the room, not moving. They just stand there, staring at the wall.)

(It's fucking creepy.)

(Kira, Skywarp, Miles, and Sunstreaker.)

115\. Leave the Wreckers alone! (Thanks goes to TriplechangerSpeedster1 and their brother!)

(There is a reason their group name is the WRECKERS. THEY WRECK STUFF.)

(THEY WILL WRECK YOU IF YOU MAKE THEM MAD.)

(You have been warned.)

(Sunny, Sides, Skids, Mudflap, and Leo.)


	9. Holoforms and OCs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Descriptions of some of the bots holoforms, along with Kathy and Kira.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to post this chapter as well, because you guys need to know what some of the characters look like in my eyes. Enjoy.

OPTIMUS PRIME

Optimus has bright blue eyes, like in the movies and graying brown hair in a ponytail. He has a strong jaw and he's tall, about 6'8. He has some minor brow wrinkles, making him look like he's in his mid forties. He wears faded blue jeans, tough looking hiking boots, a white v-neck shirt, and a leather jacket with flames etched on it.

During meetings or official events, he wears a blue suit, with a white shirt and no tie.

IRONHIDE

He also has autobot blue eyes and blonde hair in a buzz cut style. He has a lot of scars on his face, is tan, and has a crooked nose. He's very muscley and is about 6'4. Ironhide looks like he might have just turned 40. He likes to wear an army standard tanktop with the NEST logo on the breast and combat pants with black boots.

RATCHET

Ratchet has a mop of graying brown hair and blue eyes. He wears wire frame glasses and is 5'11. He looks like he's in his late 50s. He wears a bright yellow button up with black pants and white tennis shoes. He also wears a white lab coat with pens in the pockets and has the NEST logo printed on the breast pocket.

JAZZ

Jazz's holoform is black to match Epps and has blue eyes like the rest of the autobots, but he covers his with a visor. His black hair is in cornrows and he looks about 30. He likes to wear a white tanktop or a blue hoody with white sneakers. He wears headphones around his neck at all times.

PROWL

Prowl's holoform looks japanese and dresses like a cop. He has shortly cropped black hair and blue eyes, which tend to creep out some of new soldiers. You can almost always see him with a datapad in hand. He looks to be about 35.

ULTRA MAGNUS

Ultra Magnus has pale blonde hair which he likes to make look combed and professional at all times. He has narrow jaw and a straight, narrow nose. You could say he looks almost stereotypically german. He likes to wear either a blue or white button up with a tie and khakis. Kathy can sometimes convince to wear jeans but this is very rare.

SUNSTREAKER AND SIDESWIPE

He looks hispanic to match Fig, with tan skin and black hair with blond streaks. After he and his brother began calling Kathy 'Ma', he gave himself freckles to match hers because it makes her smile. He wears 'designer' clothes that are always changing style and patterns, but mostly stick to jeans and a t-shirt and prefers yellow. Both he and his brother look to be 25. Sideswipelooks just like his brother but prefers red over yellow and has red streaks in his hair instead of blonde.

BUMBLEBEE

With big blue eyes and long blonde bangs in his face, almost no one can say no to him. He usually dresses in black skinny jeans, a white shirt, and a yellow hoody with black vans or chucks.

BARRICADE

Barricade has short black hair and red eyes, and he's looks to be in his early 20s. He doesn't wear a police uniform unless undercover, and usually wears jeans and a black button up shirt when off duty.

SKIDS AND MUDFLAP

Hispanic like Leo, with curly black hair like his as well. Skids still has a gold tooth. They like to wear tanktops or t-shirts their prefered colors and cargo shorts. They look to be about 16 or 17.

STARSCREAM

Starscream has dark brown hair and red eyes. He wears either a red and silver fighter pilots' uniform or a red shirt and jeans.

That is it for the transformers, but I still need to do Kathy and Kira. If you want me to do anymore, tell me in a review.

KATHY

Kathy is tall, at about 5'10 with long red hair and blue eyes. She can usually be seen in a blue or green tank top, jeans or jean shorts, and cowgirl boots. Sometimes, she'll wear short overalls with a white t-shirt underneath. When outside, she wears dark aviator sunglass. She usually has her hair in a ponytail or a bun. Kathy is 33.

When in a meeting, she wears a black, white, or grey pencil skirt or dress pants, a blue or green button up, and a pair of black heels.

KIRA DENSEN

Kira is a 10 year old norwegian girl that has long black har with bangs, pale skin, and grey eyes. Her hair is usally in pig tails, braids, or a ponytail. She usually wears a set of official grey NEST overalls, with a white shirt underneath, black boots, and gloves. When she isn't, she wears white shorts, a blue shirt, and strap on sandals. When she's out flying with the seekers, she wears a blue fighter pilot's uniform. She almost has some kind of smudge on her face.


	10. 116-130

116\. Do not go 'fishing' for humans by using a metal pole and industrial strength fishing wire with $100 dollars glued to the end and then proceed to go "Too small!" after reeling them up and drop them back to the ground.

(THIS DOES NOT NEED AN EXPLANATION. ESPECIALLY SINCE I BROKE MY ANKLE BECAUSE OF THIS SHIT.)

(Not to mention all the other injuries people got.)

(A base kid broke her arm!)

(I know it was funny in theory, and if no one had gotten hurt, it probably would have been, but some one did, so it isn't.)

(SKYWARP)

117\. Do not give the base kids sugar.

(You thought the teens, including the Chevy twins, were bad? You've never seen almost 100 kids on the best sugar high of their lives.)

(So... Much... GLITTER.)

(Unknown group of soldiers, Ironhide)

118\. There is NEVER a reason to give the teens or either set of Twins a flamethrower.

(You'd think this would go without saying. You'd also be wrong.)

(It's bad enough the teens have access to guns in case of attack, but the twins ALREADY HAVE WEAPONS DAMMIT.)

(THEY ARE DESTRUCTIVE ENOUGH AS IS. I DON'T WANT TO ADD ARSON ON TO THEIR LIST.)

(Saying you did it for 'scientific reasons' or to 'see what happened' is not an excuse or legitimate reason.)

(Wheeljack and SHOCKWAVE FOR LETTING HIM because 'SCIENCE')

119\. No, I do not just tolerate the twins calling me their mother.

(It's actually rather touching and just a bit sad.)

(I've always wanted sons, so I'm not complaining.)

(Except when even Prowl's gotten used to it and everyone comes to me to complain when they've been little shits again.)

(That and the faces visitors make when "MA! SIDES SCRATCHED MY PAINT AGAIN!" comes screaming across base are always hilarious.)

120\. Please don't switch the coffee to decaf and three weeks later change it to exspresso.

(Some of us have caffeine addictions and get severe headaches if we don't get our fix.)

(Ratchet was getting really worried when people started to fall asleep in the middle of morning formation.)

(Fig fell right into a mud puddle mid PT last week. He didn't bother to get up. He just layed there and let himself be stepped on. He actually fell asleep.)

(Red Alert was worried that this was some kind of chemical warfare by the Decepticons.)

(But then the expresso came and everything was even more chaotic, if that's possible.)

121\. Do not tell the Transformers riddles. It makes them glitch.

(My favorite riddle to ask is "What it the longest four letter word?")

(No one has ever gotten it until, surprisingly, Skids and Mudflap figured it out.)

(Most of the others guessed words like "Long.")

(The answer is "Life.")

122\. Do blast 'Bohemian Rhapsody' on the PA and have everyone sing/scream along.

(No matter what Magnus says, this was not a flash mob! Those require dancing.)

(It was a flash musical.)

(It was so much fun though! There were people air guitaring and pretending to play the drums everywhere.)

(People even pulled out their lighters and waved them around.)

(I got Magnus to dance a little bit with me!)

(Until my boys decided they wanted to dance with their mother during the slow part, which was really sweet.)

123\. You don't have to give me a late Mother's Day present guys.

(Though I really appreciate it, I really do.)

(Even if it's just getting Skywarp back from breaking my ankle on accident.)

(WHICH HE ALREADY APOLOGIZED FOR!)

(Also, it freaks out Magnus when you say you're gonna get him a Father's Day gift.)

(... *sigh*...)

124\. Do not narrate someone's every move over the PA or right next to them.

("Oh, look at the rare Director in her natural habitat, serenely performing her daily inspection of the rec room and conversing with who might be her future mate.")

("Notice how she postures herself, hoping to allure him to her side.")

(I can hear you guys.)

("Oh no, the Director and her potential mate have noticed me. I have interuppted their mating dance, also known as the confusing and mysterious act of flirting.")

(Seriously, I'm gonna kill you both.)

(The Director is now angry with me, glaring hatefully in the direction she knows I'm in. She's turning red! She's coming this way! No, they both are! ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSION! IF I DON'T MAKE IT OUT OF THIS ALIVE, TELL MY FAMILY I LOVE THEM! AHHHHHHH! *ack*)

(Seriously, that boy is rediculous.)

(Magnus: What was that about flirting? Were you flirting with me Katherine?)

(Hehehe... maybe... *blushes*)

(Leo, Fig)

125\. Don't try to trip me or I will hit you with my crutches.

(I will hit you in a place I KNOW will hurt. No matter your species.)

126\. Do not wake up the occupants of base with a megaphone or a blowhorn.

(A lot of the soldiers are veterans from before joining NEST and certainly after. Some of them are prone to keeping weapons under their pillows or on their bedsides.)

(If you still want to do it, do so at your own risk.)

(Lennox, Epps, and Fig, who are now in the Medbay with bullet grazes)

127\. You are no longer allowed to keep guns in your assigned quarters unless you are an officer.

(Will is making me write this 'cuz he's BITTER.)

(Lennox: I got shot at for waking the soldiers Kathy!)

(BITTER.)

128\. Do not attempt to tickle a bot's Holoform.

(There's no real reason for this rule, just that it's to avoid from doing in vain.)

(The bots aren't ticklish because they can't understand why we are. They can't make their Holoforms ticklish.)

(So all it looks like is that you're being weird.)

(THIS DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN TICKLE HUMANS. IF YOU EVEN TRY, I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FACE.)

129\. Do not start a prank war with the Lambo Twins.

(Please avoid starting a war. Ratchet can't handle the sudden influx of casualties.)

(Besides, we can't afford the therapy.)

(Even if you do start a war, it won't matter because MY BOYS WILL END YOU.)

130\. Do not over-wax the hallways. It's hard enough for the bots to avoid us as is.

(Though it is fun to see a bunch of people go by my open door doing sock races.)

(I'd join in but Magnus is a cruel paperwork master. But I will when I'm done for the day.)

(I just heard a loud boom and the building shook. I guess there's no more racing for the day.)

(Strange how when I went to the Medbay for Ratchet to check my ankle, Bumblebee was on a berth with a dent on his helm...)


	11. Why I'm Mom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathy explains why she lets the Lambo and Chevy twins call her Ma. You might want to grab a tissue.

Now, let's get one thing straight. I don't have many regrets in my life, especially for someone my age. I had an okay childhood up until my parents divorced, and even though I got bullied growing up, I try not to focus on it, even if did cause me to develop trust issues and be unable to socialize correctly. Again, the less I focus on it, the better. But one of the few regrets I do have is that I don't kids to call my own. I love children and wish to make their world a perfect place, so they can remain innocent for as long as possible. But, like I said ealier, I have trouble building relationships with people. I don't really care about romance, despite my actions around Magnus saying something else. That's a whole 'nother topic I really don't feel like goin' into right now. At this point in my life, I'm unlikely to meet someone who I'd feel comfortable having a child with, especially while I'm working with NEST. I'm not in a hurry to get married or anything, I just want to have a kid. I know that's a strange thing to say. I wouldn't MIND being married, but it's not at the top of the list, ya know?

Anyway, I get a lot of flack for letting the Lambo and Chevy twins call me their mother. Trust me, if I didn't want them to, they'd know. You could call it a bit of wish fulfillment. I've always wanted my first child to be a boy. I don't know why, just that it'd be right somehow. I've always liked the rambunctiosness of most boys. So to have FOUR sons makes me actually rather happy. And a little sad, when you know why they call me 'Ma.' Sunstreaker and Sideswipe were abandoned by their creators at an orphanage back on Cybertron, years before the war started. They were nothing more than sparklings, barely a few 'months' old. No one knew who Skids and Mudflap's mech-creator was, but their mother died in the war effort. She was an engineer who's lab was blown up when they were young, the cybertronian equivalent of three or four years old. All four of them are orphans.

So I don't really mind suddenly being a single mother of four who all happen to be in their late teens or older. The rest call me 'Mom' most as a joke, but I think the twins take it seriously. I remember when I complained about it once, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe heard me and asked if I wanted them to stop. There was almost a fear in their optics when they asked, like they were afraid I'd say this. Fear... and sadness. Premature acceptance, like it'd happened before. That they'd tried to get themselve a mother and been rejected. And suddenly, it wasn't as annoying anymore. It became almost like a new nickname that you have to get used to instead. Except... it wasn't. I'm okay with that. I thought I'd never hear that word addressed to me. When I said that, those two immediately ran and hugged me, saying "Thank you" over and over and over again. I almost started crying. I immediately went to Chevy twins, who had been eavesdropping, and told them the same thing. I did start crying when they hugged me too. That was a very emotional day for me. For everyone involved really.

Fast forward to a few months later, and you have Prowl standing in front of my desk, stating the damage the twins have caused this week. Yep, everyone has pretty much accepted my unofficial adoption of both sets of twins, even Prowl. Oh, don't get me wrong. He glitched almost every time they called me 'Ma' for about a month and a half, but he's gotten used to it. Mostly. Mhmm. Uh huh. Sure Prowler. They glued your stack of data pads to your desk AGAIN? I'll get them to unstick them for you. Uh huh, you're welcome. Got into Shockwave's plant o' doom mix? Well, use the damn mega-flamethrower Wheeljack made last week to kill the man-eating bastards. What? They've already eaten someone? This is why we have INSURANCE Prowl. Besides, it takes those things at least a week to digest something as big as a human, just cut the poor bastard out after you've killed the thing. Yes, the twins will get paperwork duty and YES, they'll get a 'proper scolding.' No, I'm not rolling my eyes at you Prowl, nor am I being sarcastic. Don't you have something better to do than complain about the twins? I said I'll handle it. Shoo. GET OUT! *slams door* *coughs* ... Excuse me.

Obviously, we have to be careful when King Shithead of the Paper Pushers comes to visit, so they have to go back to calling me 'Director Woodward', which feels weird as fuck. Apparently, I shouldn't 'build a relationship' with the 'robots' because 'they don't really feel emotions Woodward. They're just machines Woodward. What are you doing walking threateningly towards me with that potted cactus Woodward?' But anyone who ISN'T a dick, aka General Morshower and his possey, don't really care and WANT us to build a relationship with the bots, so we don't have to hide it. That was what NEST was originally built for afterall! I admit, they were weirded out at first, but otherwise don't care that much as long as work gets done. But yeah, that's the story about how I became the mom to four adolescent robots from outerspace. *thumbs up and grins before rolling her eyes at the explosion that just happened outside her window* Whoops, gotta go. Talk to y'all later. *shuts her laptop and runs out the door*


	12. 131-145

131\. Never dress up Ironhide, Ratchet, or Sunstreaker as Disney Princesses.

(So it was Annabelle's birthday last week. She just turned 8 and she wanted princesses. But she also wanted princes. Then she wanted Princes in princess dresses.)

(So we gave her Princes in Princess dresses damnit.)

(Ironhide was easy, obviously. He's got a soft spot for kids. With his blonde hair, he decided that Cinderella was the least embarassing thing he could wear. He wore the headband and everything.)

(I didn't realize you could get muscles that big from doing chores all day.)

(Ratchet did Belle from Beauty and the Beast because she's the 'smartest one.' Yeah whatever.)

(Belle's gotten older since the last time I saw her.)

(Surprisingly enough, it was Sunstreaker who was the easiest to convince to do it. Of course he claims he looks good in ANYTHING, even dresses. He went for Rapunzel and made his hair look super long.)

(There was a competion about who had the best costume at the end of the party and who ever won got to dance with the birthday girl herself.)

(No one was surprised when Ironhide won.)

132\. Do not give Judy brownies.

(EVER.)

(Especially not your special, organic brownies Sharsky!)

(On another note, those are some pretty damn good brownies...)

(N-Not... that I had one or anything.)

(That would be a bad example.)

(...*wipes chocolate off the corner of her mouth*...)

133\. Jazz, Sunstreaker, Sideswipe, and Skywarp are not allowed to walk around base while overcharged on high grade.

(This should really go unsaid.)

(We have a ninja bot, two notorious pranksters who aren't the most intelligent when SOBER (read: Jet Judo), and a F-22 who can TELEPORT AT WILL.)

(Yeah, those four wandering around hammered off their afts won't end in tears AT ALL.)

(The last time they were allowed to do so, Skywarp thought it'd be a great idea to fly around base trying to avoid Sunny and Sides who were trying to practice their 'Jet Judo' on him. It was Skywarp's idea.)

(They were in Medbay for about a week at least.)

(If you are human and you see any of these four wandering around base, go get a transformer to help out.)

(If you are a transformer and you see one of these four wandering around base, got get a transformer who's bigger than you.)

(You have been warned.)

134\. Don't try and scare the base kids.

(Especially Annabelle.)

(They've probably seen more shit than you have newbie.)

(I know you're a newbie because any vet knows better than to even THINK about freaking out the base kids.)

(Ask Ironhide and Ratchet about what happened to those two soldiers who pretended to pull their arms off right outside the 4th Grade class' window.)

(Go ahead and ask.)

(We can afford to send you to about a month of therapy until you have to start paying out of pocket.)

135\. Do not, under ANY circumstances, turn away the Girl Scouts.

(Screw the thinmints, I need my samoas and savannah smiles damn it.)

(We NEVER turn away Girl Scouts!)

(Hell, I drive into town just to buy from them. That's a thirty mile drive!)

(Besides, they have puppy eyes almost as bad as Bumblebee.)

136\. Do not let the base kids keep any stray or wild animals they find.

(We live in the middle of the desert.)

(If it isn't venomous already, it will be.)

(We already had a kid sent to Medbay because they found a 'lizard with no legs Mama! Look, it's makin' a funny noise!')

(Yeah... it was a rattlesnake.)

(He's fine though! He made a full recovery!)

137\. Make sure there are no base kids around before watching an adult/scary movie.

(There are no exceptions to this rule.)

(And make sure the door is locked if it's an 'adult' movie please.)

(The bots still haven't learned to knock.)

(They start asking questions.)

(It's super awkward.)

138\. If a door is shut, please remember to knock.

(Just because you guys can see through walls at will doesn't mean you have to be rude.)

(Besides, that's creepy.)

(But this goes for humans as well.)

(If Magnus and I are interrupted one more damn time while we're trying to talk about our bond, I will end you.)

(Even if you're an officer. I don't give a shit.)

(Optimus Prime, Soundwave, Jazz, Prowl, Bumblebee, Leo, Lennox, Epps, and Miles)

139\. Throw your gum in the TRASH.

(Or you will be scraping it off the peds of the Cybertronians who step on it.)

(They're not flexible enough to do it them selve and most are unwilling to touch gum even in their holoforms.)

(Also, the Hatchet refuses to do it himself.)

140\. Please remember that many Cybertronians are violent when angered, especially Decepticons.

(A good chunk of our forces now consist of ex-cons and Decepticon-Neutrals.)

(Cons are not known for having the patience of Buddha himself.)

(Starscream, despite now being a father figure to a rather traumatized little girl, is still very quick to anger and can be cruel bastard when he wants to be.)

(Shockwave is a mad scientist and it's better to just stay out of his way in general.)

(Soundwave is actually rather pleasant as long as you don't threaten his kids.)

(Barricade is... Well, he's Barricade.)

141\. Do NOT ask Kira about why she lives with the Seekers or where her parents are. (SAD RULE. I will NOT do a one shot about this one. NO EXCEPTIONS.)

(If you do, you're either really stupid or an asshole.)

(Her mother was a norwegian scientist who worked here at NEST and her father was a danish science teacher at the Base School. Summer came and they went back home to Norway. Kira wasn't in school yet and had been staying with some family friends until then.)

(They happened to live in an area that didn't approve of the transformers being on Earth and weren't exactly quiet about what they did for a living.)

(... Let's just say there's a reason Kira is afraid of fire and leave it at that.)

142\. Some of the cybertronians are very good singers... and some are not.

(For his rather lovely speaking voice, Optimus is a very bad singer.)

(Ironhide and Ratchet actually do a very pleasant drunk kareoke duet.)

(Unforetunately, none of my boys are good singers at all, not even in cybertronian.

(Bumblebee and Soundwave are AMAZING! Both of them were sparked from Artisanal class parents and were trained to be musicians. Bumblebee was still in training when the War started, but Soundwave had been famous for YEARS.)

143\. If you follow me to the store, no cart races!

(Did you know that Holoforms can be away from their real bodies up to 200 321 km miles away? I didn't.)

(The kitchen was running low on food right? Well, I 'borrowed' one of those big army trucks and headed to the nearest bulk-buy store, which was about 75 120 km miles away.)

(Except, my boys wanted to go with me because they've never been inside a grocery store. For good reason.)

(I knew that bad things would happen if I took them, I knew better. I did, really)

(The trip there wasn't really that bad actually. We talked about my childhood and how it compared to theirs and what their interests were. Complained about the heat because, of course, I just had to pick the one fucking truck on base that didn't have air conditioning. We jammed out to the radio and played punch buggy. It was good bonding time.)

(It was when we got there that things went to shit. Because I decided to let them drive the buggies I needed.)

(I told them rather quickly, once they discovered how fast the buggies could actually go, that they could race with them, but only if they didn't get destroyed AND they waited until we were done shopping and the shit was in the truck. They agreed.)

(Once that torture was done, and everything was packed up, the tournament began. Oh it was glorious. They got sticks, from I don't know where, and began JOUSTING with them. It was really cool.)

(You know, until some asshole driver almost ran me over and then yelled at me for 'being in the middle of the road'.)

(Of coure, Skids and Mudflap took offence to this, and while Sunny and Sides were checking to make sure I was alright, slammed their buggies into the side of Douchebag Macgee's brand new truck.)

(As you can probably tell already, a fight broke out.)

(Yes, the cops were called. Yes, both Prowl AND Barricade showed up. And yes, my boys completely kicked that guy's ass.)

(They're still not allowed to go shopping with me anymore.)

144a. Do not yell "DOGPILE!" while pointing at a random 'bot or con and have all the base kids dogpile on said mech.

(Some will find it funny... and some will not. Most do though. It's just finding the right one.)

(Optimus couldn't stop laughing when we did it to him.)

(Ironhide is used to it and I think secretly likes it, despite his yelling about it otherwise.)

(Barricade hates it and we don't usually do it to him anyway because of his claws.)

144b. Similarly, don't use bots as jungle gyms.

(According to almost every base kid, including Annabelle and Kira, Soundwave makes the BEST jungle gym. I'm guessing it's all the tentacles. Makes for cool monkey bars.)

145\. Quoting Calvin & Hobbes is forbidden.

("SIR, WEEKENDS DON'T COUNT UNLESS YOU SPEND THEM DOING SOMETHING COMPLETELY POINTLESS, SIR!" A random soldier during inspection after being asked by Will what he did over the weekend. It was, of course, counted correct.)

("Reality continues to ruin my life! As usual!" Me to Magnus a few days ago when I woke up from a nap after dreaming that I didn't have work to do for the rest of the week. I was grumpy for the rest of the day.)

("Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom?" "As far as you're to know, we don't have any dear." A conversation Sideswipe and I had last week. He found them anyway. We don't have a printer anymore.)

("Ratchet, what's wrong with me?" "It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw." "AHHHHHHH! *runs out of room*" Leo and Ratchet when it was time for Leo's monthly check up and Ratchet kept making disapproving/worried noises. He's got a wicked sense of humor for an old bot.)

("I'm a simple man, Will. "You? Yesterday you wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet with laser-guided heat-seeking missiles!" "I'm a simple man with complex tastes." Epps to Lennox just this morning at breakfast. I couldn't breathe, I was laughing so hard.)


	13. Sock Puppet Adventures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathy tells the tale of the Sock Puppet Adventures! Giant robots with Sock Puppets! What could go wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was a one shot requested by someone on FF.net! It's not very good but it's allright. Hope you enjoy! Please remember to leave Rules and such!

You know, this started innocently enough. Personally, I blame the whole thing on children's television. There's really no other way this could have happened. I don't know where they got the material need to make so many giant sock puppets and I don't want to kn- What? Sail boats in San Fransisco are missing their sails? Seriously? Primus damn it! SKYWARP!

So it all started with Leo, Sam, Bumblebee, and Miles. This was a really weird day for me, and that's coming from someone who's children are giant robots from outerspace. They had been assigned to watch over one of the Pre-K classes while the teacher went to see what was taking lunch so long, because lunch is delivered to the younger classes and it was running late that day. So, with no idea how to entertain a couple of four year olds, they decided to hold a puppet show. Using sock puppets. With Bumblebee, in holoform, providing sound effects. It was very popular. Unfortunately.

Leo, of course, decided to challenge himself and make as many people laugh while talking through a sock puppet. This began to grow in popularity, like a meme or a computer virus more like. Anyway, it even spread to some of the cybertronians, especially the sillier ones like Bumbleebee, Jazz, the Lambo twins, Skywarp, etc. Yeah, you can tell where this is going. Cue the shenanigans.

In order of ridiculousness. Bumblebee's was actually rather mundane compared to the others, I think. He blamed the missing plate of energon treats and said EMPTY plate being in his quarters on Manuel, HIS homemade sock puppet. Uh huh, sure Bee. Don't ask me where he got the name, because I got no fucking clue.

Jazz started blaring shitty music over the P.A. and Buzz made him do it. Shitty music like caramelldansen. Yeah. Ironhide almost went ballistic. If he was human, he'd have been foaming at the mouth, he was so mad.

The Lambo Twins' puppets, nicknamed Streaker and Swipe respectively, managed to somehow steal a vat of hazardous chemicals from the Science Wing and set it on fire in the middle of the obstacle course. Again. Yeah, they're grounded. And not just by me either. Ratchet too. Apparently the barrel contained chemical that when set ablaze start releasing a gas that causes erosion in the type of metal they're made of. Sunny's paint job is completely ruined.

Fucking Skywarp. Somehow, his 'shenanigan' was the worst. He wrote the cybertronian equivalent of "FUCK YOU BUCKETHEAD" on his sock puppet and threw at the Nemesis as he flew by. Does he want to be shot down?! I guess so, because Starscream was living up to his name when he started scolding Skywarp right in the middle of the Mess Hall with Optimus and Soundwave shaking their helms in the background.

But yeah, that's the Sock Puppet adventures. I am surrounded by idiots, aren't I?


	14. 146-160

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I first started doing this rule story, I immediately knew I wanted it to be different from all the others out there. According to you guys, I do a very good job at making it funny and unique and I really appreciate the support I get, especially the people who send in rules! You're the ones that keep this damn monstrosity alive. Back to the main topic of this Author's Note though. I wanted to give this story a different tone from the others, which are usually just about a teenage girl, usually related to and/or in a relationship with a main character. They never seem to do anything. As far as I can tell, they don't have any responsibilities or any signifigant rank. They just write rules they don't even follow. That's why Kathy exists. She has a reason to live on base, a legitimate reason to write rules. She's the boss, that's what she does. It's her JOB. I'm not saying the rules she writes are followed, because let's face it, almost none of the sillier ones are. But I also want to remind you guys, the readers, that this is a story set in WAR TIME. Every single character is in the middle of a war, a war that is older than the Earth has existed. That's why I put serious rules in, to serve as a reminder that not everything is happy go lucky as other Rules Stories would make you think.
> 
> This fanfic is unique in the way that it actually does have a plot. This is the only way for me to really be able to tell the story I wanted to in "Galloway's Replacement." For some reason, I couldn't get the story written down to where it made sense, so I started this one instead. There is an ongoing storyline, it's rather subtle, but it is there. One person mentioned how they loved how the relationships actually seem to grow and change, just as they would in any other fanfiction. Granted, this one is very much based off another fanfiction by someone else, but it is with permission from the author. The reviewer said they loved how the relationship between Sunstreaker and Kathy has changed so much since their initial meeting. If you remember, he tried to step on her. Because he's a sociopath and that's what he does. Yes, it is canon that he has sociopathic tendencies. Go on TFWiki. But yes, it a major inprovement on both Kathy's and Sunstreaker's character that they genuinely care about eachother that much.
> 
> The relationship between Kathy and Ultra Magnus has also progressed a lot, though it is still very much slow going, much to Kathy's (read: and Ultra Magnus', though he hides it better) displeasure.
> 
> Sorry for the essay guys, I just really wanted to touch on this whole topic. Let's just get on with the rules, eh?

146\. Laser tag does not involve real lasers.

(You crazy motherfuckers.)

(You actually thought that it used real lasers.)

(What the hell is wrong with you? Wait, don't answer that. I don't think my psyche can take it.)

(Y'all need to stop taking things so literally.)

(On the plus side, human sized laser guns of mass destruction.)

(Actually, should I count that as a plus?)

(Leo, Sam, both sets of twins, and Wheeljack for making the damn things.)

147\. Do get Optimus to read/tell stories to the base kids.

(He's a really good story teller. Even the adults listen sometimes.)

(Though... I can't help but giggle a little when I hear that deep voice of his rumbling away at a Dr. Seuss book.)

148\. Do not climb on top of a bot's alt mode and copy that scene from Titanic.

("I'm flying Sam! I'm flying!" "What the hell are you doing?! Get the frag off o' me!" "Whoa! *splat* Owwww")

(... Yeah...Leo shoulda picked a better bot than Ironhide to do that with.)

148\. Backflipping off a building is impressive, but don't do it in front of impressionable idiots *coughSamLeo,andMilescoughcough*.

(They WILL try to mimic it and will probably nearly kill themselves.)

(This is for you Crosshairs.)

(Don't act like you have no idea what I'm talking about.)

149\. Don't use the Seekers as skydiving platforms without their permission.

(Even if you know how to avoid their wrath because you've done it so many times before.)

(Having a grounder and a flyer imitating Tom & Jerry all across base gets chaotic real fast.)

(Crosshairs, Sunstreaker, and Sideswipe)

150\. When you decide it's time to practice for your upcoming gymnastics competion, please warn the squishable humans around you first.

(I don't care if you're 100% sure you won't land on anyone!)

(Humans tend to freak out if a giant robot in a green trench coat does a cart wheel over their heads!)

151a. For anyone not Crosshairs: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT screw around with his trench coat.

(It's part of his body and he WILL feel what you're trying to do.)

(If you do so anyway, don't come crying to me or the Hatchet.)

(You were warned.)

151b. For Crosshairs: Don't shoot at those who try touching or painting your trench coat.

(Even if you're using blanks or paint rounds. Just don't.)

(We know it annoys you and that it hurts to clean the damn thing.)

(It's your fault for getting an upgrade like that, no matter how cool and useful it is.)

152\. Crosshairs is not helpless in melee, even if he prefers to use mid- to close range guns.

(So don't even fucking try.)

(Given a sword, he CAN kick your aft if you are not Drift or Sideswipe, and can give you trouble even if you are.)

133\. No more setting up a mannequin wearing an orange hoodie and putting it under the Bot's feet and when they step on it yell, "Oh my God! You killed Kenny!"

(YOU BASTARDS!)

(Luckily a few of the Transformers got the joke and almost fell over laughing their afts off.)

(One of them was Optimus. O.o )

154\. Do not try to banish other soldiers and Bots to the Shadow Realm or challenge any one to a D-d-d-d-duel!

(Almost none of the bots or cons get the reference.)

(I will be fixing this issue shortly.)

155\. If you are about to watch a Studio Ghibli movie, please inform the Director, Ultra Magnus, and both the Lambo and Chevy Twins.

(It doesn't matter what movie, we love them all.)

(Magnus pretends he doesn't, but you can tell he loves the fantasy part of all his movies.)

(They make good bonding time.)

(My favorite is Howl's Moving Castle, Skids and Mudflap love Porco Rosso, and Sunstreaker likes Princess Monoke.)

(Magnus and Sideswipe LOVE Ponyo.)

156\. Don't bother asking Sunstreaker to drive you anywhere.

(The answer is no.)

(The only ones he willingly drives around are me and Fig.)

(For obvious reasons.)

157\. Pissing off one of the base's resident assholes is not a good idea.

(It will end badly.)

(Sunny and Crosshairs are not as good-natured as most of the Autobots.)

(Especially Sunstreaker, because at least Crosshairs can be reasoned with.)

(The only ones who can calm down Sunny when he's pissed off are Sideswipe, Fig, and me.)

(Anyone else who tries risks getting run over.)

158\. Don't redecorate a public area until you're design has been approved.

(I. Hate. ORANGE.)

(So why is the rec room ORANGE?!)

(EVERYTHING IS ORANGE. EVEN THE TV IS FUCKING ORANGE.)

(WITH PINK ACCENTS. HOT PINK ACCENTS.)

(I'm getting a headache. Imma go lay down now.)

(When I come back, my rec room better be back to the way it was or so help me...)

159\. If you hear any cybertronian say these words, run in the opposite direction.

("Uh ohh..." Especially if this is Wheeljack.)

("Yo bro, is this supposed to turn that color?" Either sets of twins. The answer is usually NO.)

("Why is it smoking like that?" "I have no idea." "What'd you do to it?" "I don't remember." "Primus damn it." This goes for any of the Science Bots, which are Skyfire, Starscream, Shockwave, and Wheeljack, if you weren't aware.)

("Uhhhh... what?" If Barricade or Bumblebee say this, RUN."

160\. Mystery Skulls is not to be blasted from the P.A.

(I had absolutely nothing to do with this rule. At all.)

(It's not as if it's my favorite music group or anything.)

(... YOU CAN PROVE NOTHING.)


	15. 161-175

161\. Do not give yourself an intro song. You are not Ironman nor are you in a movie/anime.

(I wonder what my intro song would be? THIS IS A REVIEWER QUESTION! WHAT DO YOU THINK KATHY'S SONG SHOULD BE?)

162\. Do not recreate those Thomas Sanders Disney Pranks.

(My personal favorite is when he puts ketchup on his thumb and goes "Siiimmmbbaaaa" across his friends forehead while he's asleep.)

(Magnus doesn't like pranks.)

(Did you know that Galloway is afraid of bugs? Miles and Sam do. And so does the rest of base!)

(Sunstreaker and Sideswipe like to pick me up and scream "SANCTUARY! SANCTUARY!")

(Leo looks surprisingly good in red lipstick.)

(Not that I would know... *coughcough*)

163\. Don't mess with the if base kids are using them.

(This means complaining about the show, changing the channel without asking, and stealing the remote.)

(If you do this, you are an ass.)

(Also, be prepared to lose your hearing, because DAMN these kids can scream.)

164\. Crosshairs and Drift have a sibling-like friendship bond. NOT a romantic one.

(Quit asking or questioning them about it. It's rude.)

(If they say they're brothers, they're brothers damn it. Only they can change their bond.)

(The last soldier who bugged them about it was lucky Crosshairs only felt like stranding him on top of a roof.)

165\. For anyone not Crosshairs (again): Please, for the life of the director, do NOT try mimicking his more insane gymnastic stunts (such as backsaulting during a back flip to reload two guns at once).

(We just got in a couple of Marines who think they're hot shit or something.)

(The only reason he manages not to hurt himself when he does it is because he's been doing for so long.)

(Well that and like any self-respecting Cybertronian on base, he has a healthy fear of the Hatchet.)

166\. Crosshairs, stop shooting holes in every door that catches your trench coat.

(We are on a budget man and you're not helping.)

(Yes, I know that it hurts and I'm sorry about that.)

(But automatic doors as big as the average bot are very expensive my friend.)

(Also, are you trying to get the most rules named after you or something?)

167\. Don't touch my goddamn Brownie Bites.

(Not even Magnus is allowed to have any.)

(They're MINE. My... my precious...)

(*hisses and holds box to her chest*)

168\. You are allowed to have as much junk food as you want, as long as you also eat healthy foods and Ratchet doesn't find out.

(I have an absolute mountain of gummy bears hidden all around base.)

(Miles keeps gum in the weirdest places, let me tell you.)

(Lennox and Epps keep pulling Life Savers out their asses, I swear. That is the only way they always seem to be eating them.)

169\. Bullying is not allowed. Period.

(While we are a military base, we also have children all over the place.)

(Most of them are elementary school age. The phrase "Kids can be cruel" was not made up by some poor bastard who'd never met a little kid.)

(I have trust issues and trouble building relationships because of how I was treated growing up. No way in hell am I letting happen to any one else if I can help it.)

(Luckily, I seem to hold a position of authority around here.)

(If you are caught bullying or harrassing someone, whether child or adult, on my base, you are immediately sent to the brig. After which I will be informed.)

(And you will be punished.)

(If you see such an event and don't do anything, you will recieve two demerits and a week in the brig. Once you are released from the brig, you will recieve a... visit... from all four of my suns. Not a typo)

(No Exeptions. No special treatment.)

(Don't fucking ask me again.)

170\. When we go to the beach, there shall be no more contests to see who can make the biggest splash.

(It will be the bots. No questions asked.)

(Besides, you guys get too competitive. Yeah, I'm looking at you seekers especially.)

(What were you bird-brains thinking, flying up high and cannon balling into the water? Oh, right!)

(You weren't.)

(Some people almost got hurt!)

(And if I have one more book ruined because of you idiots, I will NOT be happy.)

171\. Crosshairs...please, stop pointing your guns at random soldiers as if you're going to shoot them.

(I know it's funny to watch the Marines shit their pants, but still.)

(How many times do I have to tell you people we can't afford the therapy?)

172\. "To conquer the world with flying monkeys" is not an appropriate response when asked your goals for the future.

(Especially if you're the director of a Semi-secret military operation and you just happen to point at the Seeker Trine as they walk past.)

(... *whistles innocently*)

173\. Don't ask Leo about his website.

(He's really upset that he can't tell anyone about what we do here.)

(He says it goes against his principles.)

(I told him to suck it up.)

174\. If you decide you want to own a pet while you are living on base, please inform/request permission from the Director first.

(I really don't mind if you have a pet or two, but I'd like for you to at least tell me first.)

(Hell, I just came back from the local shelter and got me a dog. He's a pitbull named Boss, and he's gun metal grey and he has little squat legs and ahhhhhh.)

175\. Despite obvious evidence to the contrary, NEST is not just a really big gated community/small town in the middle of nowhere that just happens to have alien cars living there.

(We are a Military Operation devoted to defeating the Decepticons and creating a firm alliance with our guests from Cybertron.)

(... I can't even fool myself anymore.)

(I swear this place is worse than a kindergarten class on a sugar high.)

(But I love it anyway.)


	16. 176-190

176\. Don't dive through the open windows of someone's alt form.

(You are not stuntmen. Stop acting like you are.)

(I don't care if Bee's camaro form is perfect for it.)

(Sam, Miles, Leo, Lennox, hell Sunny and Sides did it to THEMSELVES.)

177\. Don't use any transformers as Date Cars.

(Even if they say it's okay.)

(Eventually, they'll get sick of driving you around.)

(You'll have to come clean. And won't that be embarrasing?)

(Leo, Sharsky, Fassbinder, Epps)

178\. I said no more Calvin & Hobbes!

("See Any UFOs?" "Not yet." "Well, keep your eyes open, they're bound to land here sometime." "What will we do when they come?" "See if we can sell mom and dad into slavery for a star cruiser" Sam and Miles while star watching last week.)

(You boys do realize you're surrounded by alien robots like... all the time right?)

(Sam: Yeah, but they already know my parents. They know better.)

(... True.)

("MA, CAN I SET FIRE TO MY BERTH?" "No, Sideswipe." "CAN I DRIVE ON THE ROOF?" "No, Sideswipe.""Then can I have an energon sweet?""No, Sideswipe." "She's on to me.")

(Damn straight I am.)

("Summer is butter on your chin and corn mush between every tooth." Me when asked why I enjoy summer so much even though I hate the heat.)

("I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian." Miles and I after Ratchet asked us why we liked sweets so much.)

179\. Touch my stashes of gummy bears only if you're prepared to defend your very life.

(Gummy bears are my favorite food, okay?)

(...)

(Don't fucking judge me.)

180\. Do NOT sneak up behind Sunstreaker and Crosshairs, then sing over the P.A. system 'Sunny and Crossy sitting in a tree...' etc. whenever they happen to agree on the same thing (not unheard of).

(I have no idea how Miles managed to do it.)

(I think he got Soundwave's help.)

(Or maybe Rumble and Frenzy's.)

(They can be bribed with energon sweets relatively easily.)

181\. Do not scratch Sunstreaker's paint.

(You'd think this would go without saying, you really would.)

(Sunny is not particulary sane, especially for an autobot. The only reason he's a bot is because Sideswipe is.)

(If you do scratch his paint, you better be prepared to get your dumb ass run over.)

(There are only three people in existence that can calm him down.)

(Sideswipe, Fig, and me.)

(And sometimes even we can't manage to do it.)

182\. No more drag races through the desert.

(The tires on you guys' alt modes are not made for off road terrain.)

(So while the races are fun, the wipeouts are not.)

(Especially if you happen to have a human inside when you wipeout.)

(The only reason I didn't die was because I was wearing my seatbelt. As it stands, I still got whiplash from when we rolled over.)

(Safety first kids.)

(Also, Ratchet goes ballistic when drag races are even brought up.)

183\. Officially, the Director does not condone base wide pranks.

(So if you ask me if it's okay, I have to say no.)

(But ONLY if you ask me. You have to physically go up to me and ask before I can say no.)

(But if you, say, send me an email... )

(... *winks*...)

184\. Jump ropes are not whips nor should they be used as such.

(Some of the base kids can be cruel little shits sometimes.)

(Personally, I blame Lennox and Epps.)

(So... many... welts...)

185\. Do not replace ammo with paintballs.

(Megatron was turned pink again! I had Sideswipe take a picture for me and now it's hanging in my office!)

(Bumblebee made a few decepticons look like they had chicken pox.)

(I think the seekers had a lot of fun dropping big barrels of paint on the battlefield.)

(Moral is up a lot right now. Sunstreaker didn't notice he was lime green for nearly two hours, he had so much fun!)

(The only reason he did was because some soldier mistook him for Crosshairs.)

186\. Don't play pranks on civilians.

(Yeah, Miles and Barricade, I'm looking at you!)

(They stole Sarah's hairdryer and went to a busy part of the highway, then pretended to cops looking for speeders.)

(People actually slowed down. ._. )

187\. Don't have the bots try Harry Potter candies.

(Bumblebee did not like those Every Flavor Beans. At. All.)

(Magnus and Optimus didn't mind Jelly Slugs. They don't have much flavor but they're fun to eat.)

(I need to find a better recipe for butterbeer. Maybe an alcoholic one? Hmm.)

188\. The following movies are now banned from base.

(1. Atlantis:The Lost Empire. PROWL YOU FRAGHEAD. THIS IS MY FAVORITE MOVIE! Besides The Secret Garden 1993, of course.)

(2. Jurassic Park and any of it's sequels: These are also some of my favorite movies, but it's more understandable. The Dinobots start to get... antsy if they watch any of them.)

(3. Into The Woods (2014): Ironhide and Prowl don't like the rapeyness of 'Little Girl.' It's my favorite musical.)

(4. Pokemon Movies: I know they're not very good and most of the time they don't make sense, but they help me feel nostalgic. Prowl, you're a jerk.)

(5. Any Studio Ghibli Movies: Ha. Haha. HAHAHA... *picks up her favorite baseball bat and grins slightly maniacally* Yeah... Prowler and I need to have a little... talk. I'll be right back.)

(But I can't promise he will.)

189\. You can't just 'move' other vehicles out of your way during a traffic jam.

(Patient, you are not.)

(This means everyone! Including Optimus AND Prowl!)

(Even da law breaks da law.)

(Hehehe... Yeah, I'll just leave now.)

190\. Marbles should not be scattered around various hallways. Ever.

(Especially during an emergency.)

(It is hilarious to see a bot running down the hallway and then suddenly be flat on their back though.)

(It wasn't any of the usual suspects or me, so I have no idea who it was.)

(We later found out that it was a false alarm, but several bots still had to go to the Medbay.)

(Red Alert has seemed particularly pleased with himself lately. Oh.)

(That sly bastard. I applaud you.)


	17. 190-205 WHOO! #200

191\. Do not threaten anyone with black magic.

(Because it doesn't exist.)

(Human females do not use it to control their lesser male counterparts.)

(You have no proof.)

(STOP ASKING QUESTIONS.)

192\. Do NOT prank Ratchet by taking all of his wrenches and gluing them to the ceiling.

(He'll throw everything else at you instead)

(Including the smaller Autobots if you frag him off enough)

(Like Rumble or Bumblebee.)

193\. Not even I am allowed to participate in interviews.

(According to Lennox, I have all the diplomacy of a charging warthog.)

(Huh.)

(Better than I thought, actually.)

194\. Garry's Mod is only to be played behind closed doors.

(Or at least make sure that Prowl, Red Alert, or Wheeljack aren't around.)

(Prowl and Red Alert get a little antsy if they see you giggling maniacally while playing TTT.)

(... Not that I would know.)

(And when it comes to Jackie? I have two words for you.)

(MELON GUN.)

195\. Watermelons are for eating only.

(Even if it is fun to dress like a zombie and pretend you're eating someone's brains.)

(Or, if you're a bot, put a bunch in a pile and step on it.)

(That is something to see and the base kids love it.)

196\. The following websites are banned on base.

(1. Vat19, purveyor of curiously awesome products.)

(They have a 5 pound gummy bear.)

(Need I say more?)

(2. Skippy's List)

(It gives the soldiers Ideas.)

(3. Totaljerkface)

(Magnus doesn't like how much I giggle when I play Happy Wheels.)

197\. Dephibrillators are to be used only in emergencies. Period.

(And they're certainly not supposed to be used on the bots!)

(Even if it funny to watch them flail around while being electrocuted.)

(It could really hurt them.)

198\. Do not try to beat Jazz or Crosshairs at break dancing.

(Whether you are human or alien robot, you will lose. Badly.)

(They are far more flexible than you will ever be.)

(You will hurt yourself.)

(And Ratchet and I both will laugh at your pain.)

199\. Don't let the Lambo Twins near the Jets.

(I'm not talking about the seekers, they can take care of themselves.)

(I'm talking about the NON-sentient jets has access to.)

(True, we don't really use them anymore, only ever the cargo carrier.)

(But they're still fucking expensive.)

200\. Just because Sunstreaker and Crosshairs are afts doesn't mean they'll leave you stranded. NUMBER 200! WHOO!~ *throws confetti*

(For all they're assholeyness, they're actually pretty damn reliable.)

(Even if right before, you scratched Sunny's paint, he won't leave you to die.)

(He won't be NICE about it, but at least you won't be dead.)

(I don't know. Personally, I'd rather be in the Med Bay than in a coffin.)

not post up the following quotes on random sites on the internet, then ask for the public to vote on them (the names mentioned are the ones who originally said these quotes before they got pasted all over the place):

("This looks like a fun place to kick it!"-Jazz)

(I was not there for this.)

("Why should I care?"-Sunstreaker)

(After I yelled at him for trying to step on me.

("How do you like my paintjob?"-Sideswipe, Sunstreaker)

(...*shakes head and looks to the sky* Primus, why are my boys so vain?)

("Raise your hand if you're thoroughly disenchanted with our pleasant Earth vacation."-Crosshairs)

(Again, I was not there for this.)

("Not inside the plane, you dumbass!"-Major William Lennox)

(Will yelling at the Skids for trying to break dance on the plane.)

(My son is not very smart.)

("These things just won't die!"-Major William Lennox)

(Three guess when this was said. *rolls eyes*)

("There's a rule on this already? Bummer."-Sideswipe)

(I swear this boy is trying to get on my ever lovin'm nerve.)

("Loyalty is but a flower in the winds of fear and temptation."-Drift)

(*shrugs* He says shit like this all the time. I've pretty much stopped paying attention.)

("I'm unclear. What's in it for me?"-Crosshairs)

(To me, when I wanted him to do a favor for me.)

(How about if you do this, you won't get any time in the fucking brig?)

("We could call it Sam's Happy Time!"-Judy(Sam's mom.))

(Don't ask me. O_o )

("Don't touch that!"-Starscream, Shockwave, Wheeljack, and Skyfire. All at the same time.)

(This doesn't really need an explantion.)

(Funnily enough, Crosshairs, Sideswipe, and Will's comments tied in first place with the voting, with Drift and Sunstreaker tieing at a close second.)

202\. Don't interrupt the base kids' saturday cartoons.

(This includes changing the channel, turning of the TV, etc.)

(You thought an angry Megatron was scary? You've never seen the base kids.)

(Admittedly, they're a little spoiled...)

(... *shivers in fear*...)

203\. Sending ANYONE, including certain bureaucratic aftheads, through an interdemensional portal is banned.

(Shame, really. I had a lot of fun in the one where the Decepticons were the good guys.)

(Galloway, however, after 'tripping' into the portal, is now in therapy. Again.)

(*whistles innocently*)

204\. Don't steal the Matrix of Leadership.

(Optimus does not often get angry. But when he does, it is very scary.)

(We still don't know who did it, just that it was back the next day.)

(It wasn't the twins, either set, or anyone else. Everyone base knows better.)

(Red Alert is going insane trying to find out who it was. He thinks we have a hole in security.)

(The twins have started to follow me around to make sure I'm okay.)

205\. The Director of NEST position is not cursed like Defence Against the Dark Arts is in Harry Potter.

(Just because you guys have been through like five, not counting the times Simmons or Galloway had to take back up the mantle, doesn't mean the position is cursed.)

(I have lasted the longest. Obviously, if the job WAS cursed, it was to get rid of people who didn't fit until the perfect person was found.)

(Obviously, that person is me.)

(Duuuh. *rolls eyes*)


	18. Laser Tag

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathy shares the story of her reaction to the laser tag rule. Let's just say..... she was not the sanest version of herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Welcome back! This chapter is for a one shot requested by praxian-press! Thank you so much! They have requested a one shot explaining more about the Laser Tag rule. When I read they're request, I immediately began giggling maniacally. Buwhahaha. This chapter also contains a (hopefully) short essay again! Whoo.
> 
> So I have begun to get a lot of rules involving Base Kids. I have realized that it has been long enough that I finally explain what they are. They are the nameless children I have invented to create more fodder for my rules. I am sure you all are intelligent enough to have already realized that. But they are not orphans like Kira, nor are they like Annabelle, the major's daughter, both being allowed to roam freely throughout base with pretty much no restrictions as long as they don't blow anything up. Base kids are different, in a way. Like Kira and Annabelle, as long as they do fall prey to their destructive tendencies, they are pretty much left alone. Because they are evil little shits and a good majority of the bots are scared of them. If any of you have grown up as military brats, you know what it is like to be constantly moving around, usually living in on Fort or another, etc etc. They are those kids. They're the sons and daughters of the MANY soldiers that live on NEST base. People from almost any first world country live on the NEST base, almost exclusively. It's culture is this mish-mash of so many different ones that anyone new to base has absolutely no idea what's going on. NEST is almost like an embassy, where if you step through the door, you're in a whole other country. It's pretty much the Cybertronian Embassy at this point.

You know, I often claim that I am surrounded by idiots. Usually, I don't really mean it, or I say it fondly. But. But but but but but.There are sometimes these moments when I do say it, I mean it. Fully. Down to the tiniest little heart string and the smallest synapse in my brain. Usually, when someone steals from Ratchet. Or when the Science Bots blow something up. Again. But I'm getting used to that now. Or even when someone scratches Sunny's paint. But there are times, thankfully very few and far between, where I believe it so strongly that it scares me.

I like Wheeljack. I really do. He's funny, a giant sweetheart, smart, and his holoform's not that bad looking either. Not as good as Magnus' of course, but then again, I know no one who can beat Magnus' holoform. But Jackie's isn't bad. Anyway, he's a good guy, a bit spacey, but I really can't talk now can I? But man, sometimes, I wish there was a way for me to wring his neck. Like the time he decided to make some laser tag guns for the teens and I said it was okay. I didn't realize at the time that he thought laser tag involved real fucking lasers.

Of course, I only realized this when a bright blue beam melted through the bullet-proof window in the meeting room and almost hit me in the head.. While I was in a meeting. With the president. Of the United States. Of America. Because you know, it's not a normal day unless a bunch of douchebags in suits point their guns right in my face, now is it?... Sigh. You'd think they'd be used to it by now. Something like this happens every time the president visits base. He visits at least once a month for Primus' Sake!

Of course, you can imagine my reaction when right after said beam of death almost hit the president in the face, psychotic giggling waded through the new hole in my window. I admit, it wasn't the most attractive or even the most sane reaction I've ever had... Okay, so I may or may not have growled like a feral dog with rabies and ran out of that meeting room fast enough to compete at the Olympic Level. You have no proof. What? Where the hell are you going? To Red Alert's control room? *laughs nervously and blocks you from leaving* Why would you need to go there? To get the video? What video? Red Alert totally didn't record the whole thing. You have to believe me... Wha-? HEY! *gets pushed out of the way* COME BACK! NOOOOO!

Yeah... It is not my proudest moment. My apologies for finally, after literally MONTHS of peacefully dealing with such utter distasters, snapping and going on a potentially going on a murderous rampage where I would then destroy everything you've ever known and loved. *smiles brightly but then dons a horrified expression*... Maybe I do need therapy... Damn it.

But back to my (maybe?) temporary moment of insanity. I ran out of that meeting room like a bat out of hell, and you better believe I was out that door charging like a bull that had gotten done pissed off. And lo and behold, there they are, the little bastards. Sam and Leo holding two laser guns, one red, the other blue. The Lambo twins, tossing up random rocks and assorted semi-expensive weaponry. The Chevy Twins, cheering them on. And right in the middle? Wheeljack, recording it all.

Of course the second they saw me coming, they dropped the fucking guns and ran like the little bitches they are. I must have looked like Unicron himself, because even Ironhide and Crosshairs, who were walking past, backed away from me. The second I reached those guns, I pointed them at their receding backs and screamed, "HOW'D YOU BASTARDS LIKE A HOLE IN YOUR WINDOW? OR EVEN BETTER, A HOLE IN YOUR CHEST!?" I shot at them like it was going out of style.

That is the last thing I remember before I woke up in the medbay. Apparently, someone had snuck up behind me while I was losing my mind and sedated me. My heart was beating so fast, it barely took any time at all for the medicine to work... I have now been put Psyche Evaluation. But Ratchet says that since this was the first time I had done anything like this, I probably won't get anything more than a slap on the wrist. As long as there isn't another episode, of course. Afterall, no one had gotten hurt.

Sam and Leo are very scared of me at the moment, and my boys are sort of... skirting around me, not sure if they should be afraid or if they should idolize me. Personally, both is good. I'm their mother, that's how it's supposed to be. At least they're behaving... for now. Wheeljack has apologized immensely. He apparently hadn't properly researched and had just taken 'Laser Tag' at face value. I woulda hit him if the Hatchet hadn't left me strapped to the bed for awhile after I woke up. Whatever. I'm going to sleep.


	19. 206-220

206\. Do try to celebrate winter holidays in summer.

(I know what you little bastards were trying to do with that mistletoe.)

(You made Magnus and I kiss. Under mistletoe. In June.)

(...)

( Hush. I am NOT blushing.)

207\. Do not try to replace Ratchet's wrenches with nerf versions, even if it is amusing.

(Ya know, I think the last time some one did that, he dipped the wrenches in a polymer that when set, made them as hard as stone. He said he uses it to patch up a leaking energon line in a hurry.)

(And the time before that, he glued rocks and stuff to them.)

(And the time BEFORE that, he just tied a real wrench to the end.)

(Damn bot is getting smarter.)

208\. Do not pretend to be talking to someone who is not actually there.

(Sam, the cube-brain he is, SWEARS that he's just talking to the other primes and the all spark. No one really believes him anymore. He's already been through four psyche evals.)

(Will had to go through one just the other day after being caught talking to himself. Ratchet didn't even bother to ask what he was doing. Will almost went beserk before he screamed at Ratchet "I WAS ON MY GODDAMN BLUETOOTH!")

(Orion, the cutest sparkling ever, has taken to staring and babbling at nothing, like a lot of human children do. Ratchet says that it doesn't happen on Cybertron and I had to explain the concept of spirits to him and the others. They, as usual, are freaked the fuck out.)

(I'm pretty used to it, because of my old job. And so are a lot of the teachers and a few parents. But Ironhide and Will always freak the fuck out when Annabelle does it, which is thankfully rare now that she's older.)

(Kira, being ten, should be too old to still be doing it, but she hasn't really stopped yet. Of course, she's not all there anyway, but still. Starscream and the other seekers have gotten pretty used to it by now. They just make sure they don't leave her there too long.)

(I had to go for another psyche eval after Ratchet caught me talking to myself. He says muttering to myself is okay, but outright talking is a cause for concern. It took me ten minutes before I was finally able to tell him that I had been talking to Mirage, who had been using his cloak thingy.)

209\. Don't put window clings on a bot's alt mode without their permission.

(Leo put one on Skids that says 'My stick family was abducted.')

(Bumblebee has a custom one that says 'Beeotch, I'm faster AND prettier than you.')

(I think he's channeling Sunny a bit too much.)

(Sideswipe put one on Ratchet's that says 'Enter and be probed.')

(Grimlock let me put one on him that is a t-rex eating a stick family and under it are the words 'Your stick family was DELICIOUS.')

210\. When on assignment with the Autobots, try not to yell at the local wildlife.

(Miles is a little strange, even for base.)

(Barricade decided to take Miles with him when they had to go to Canada. They ran into some decepticons and got into a tussle.)

(While that was going on, Miles wandered up the road and found that there was a road block ahead.)

(The road block being a ginormous herd of reindeer.)

(Miles gets very bored very easily and he is VERY used to hanging around battles.)

(So, he decided that the one way he could help Barricade, Bumblebee, and Sideswipe was to yell at the reindeer to get them out of the way. Sam, of course, was running around, screaming his head off and being a general distraction as usual.)

(When the fight was over and the bot's had the cons in stasis cuffs, they picked up their charges. Of course, Barricade started getting a little upset when he couldn't find Miles.)

(When they did find him, he was too busy screaming, "YO! MOVE OUT THE WAY YOU OVERGROWN SHEEP! HEY, DON'T JUST IGNORE ME LIKE I'M A DRUNK SANTA CLAUS WHO'S GOTTEN A LITTLE TOO FRISKY. I AM MAN, YOU'RE ENEMY. I HUNT YOU. YOU'RE NOT TASTY, BUT I HUNT YOU!" to notice them.)

(Another psyche eval for Miles it is.)

211\. Do not attempt to use a religious or morality waiver to excuse yourself from vaccines. Ratchet only accepts medical exemptions.

(First of all, if you refuse to get your kid vaccinated, I am legally allowed to have you and your family reassigned to another base.)

(That shit is dangerous.)

212\. Do not question my authority or position on this base.

(Whenever we get new soldiers in, I like to meet them when they arrive. Lennox, Epps, and Optimus are usually there with me. They know before hand that I'll be there, but they don't usually know my name.)

(Last time, when they showed up and Will, Epps, and Optimus were introduced, I was interuppted during mine by their Sergeant who asked me to 1. 'Get me a coffee toots. Black, four sugars.' and 2. 'Go get the director, He's late.')

(He thought I was an assistant. The others with me, smartly, backed up.)

(I think I was actually rather calm about the whole thing. I smiled, stuck out my hand for him to shake, and said 'Director Kathy Woodward. I'm not late.')

(He went as white as a sheet and so did his soldiers. I thought Will and Epps were gonna crack a few ribs, they were holding in their laughter so hard. The next thing I said was, with the biggest smile I could possible make and with the sweetest voice ever, 'Now go run 50 laps on the track. Now. We will show the rest of your squad aroud while you try to get over your sexist tendencies.)

(He never did get over them. And he still doesn't listen to me. I think he might be related to Galloway.)

213\. No burning man festivals are allowed.

(Even if the Burning Man is shaped like Megatron.)

(A few of the bots don't like our natural pyromaniac tendencies.)

(Just because they don't have fire on their planet doesn't mean they should judge us.)

(It's their fault for not having oxygen or any organic materials to burn.)

215\. Superhero comics are to restricted to private quarters and are not too be shared with the base kids or scientists.

(Because they need even more ideas in their heads.)

(Though I did have fun with the telekinesis Jackie and Shockwave gave me for a day.)

(So many screams of terror, so little time.)

(*sighs happily*)

216\. The following movies are also banned on base:

(Boondock Saints 1 & 2- There's a lot of blood, violence, and vulgar language.)

(Which is one of the reasons I like it so much. It's a cult classic. *shrugs*)

(The Clockwork Orange- That is some fucked up shit right there. That's all I'm saying. I haven't seen it, but I've seen the rape scene, and any movie that has rape in it is banned on my base.)

(Yeah, this isn't Prowler's doing, but mine. Gotta problem?)

(Oceans 11 Trilogy- Apparently we have a few ex-cons, haha punny, amongst us, who get a little too inspired by this movie.)

(I find it very funny that Barricade, who's alt mode is a police cruiser, was a convict back on Cybertron, before the war. He thought it was funny, apparently.)

(The Matrix Trilogy- No guys, it isn't real and we are not in control of giant robots.)

(*does a robot voice* Or. Are. We.)

(Fast & Furious Series- With so many racers on base, you'd think this would be obvious. It gives the Lamo Twins, Bumblebee, etc. ideas.)

217\. Do not use pets as target practice.

(IRONHIDE, CROSSHAIRS.)

(If I see you even jokingly pointing your cannons at Boss one more time, I will not be happy.)

(Sunny doesn't like it when you threaten Bob either.)

(Bob and Boss are best friends. Boss rides on Bob's head.)

(Bob is very cute for an insecticon.)

218 a. The point of raking dirt in front of the HQ building is to teach you the error of your ways; not to create a zen rock garden.

(Though it is very nice.)

(I go there for my breaks and to eat lunch some times.)

(Drift, Miles)

218 b. If you have been assigned to paperwork duty as punishment, you are not to spend your time making origami and paper airplanes out of said paperwork.

(I went on a lunch date, yes a DATE, with Magnus and came back to a war zone in my office.)

(They had even made paper torpedoes and somehow made it so they could actually shoot them out of the planes.)

(It's been a week since and we still haven't found it all.)

219\. Just because you say you're allergic to latrines does not give you permission to piss anywhere you want. The Major's wife's flower bed thanks you.

(If you do decide to piss in one of the greenhouses, don't do it on Shockwave's plants.)

(They'll get grumpy.)

(And eat you.)

220\. The following things are not to be done over the PA system.

(1. Farting)

(Random drunk soldier.)

(2. Singing anything by Justin Bieber)

(Leo and Sam)

(3. Pretending you're a radio talk show host)

(Even if said talk show becomes popular. We have our own radio system for that.)

(Miles and Fig)

(4. Begin a 'normal' announcement, then act as if someone is attacking you, then say a 'dying' message into the microphone after having barricaded the door.)

(Lennox)


	20. 220-235

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> N.E.S.T. is being relocated to Diego Garcia. Kathy is not looking forward to this.

The plane shook as they hit some bad turbulence. Once it had passed, Kathy sighed as she stared out the window of the cargo plane as they flew to the location of NEST's new base, some island in the middle of nowhere called Diego Garcia. The redhead was not going to enjoy living there. She had barely managed the heat in Nevada, so she certainly wouldn't like living on a tropical island. Kathy allowed her head to bang against the window once more. She wouldn't admit it, but she was feeling a little homesick. It had been tough in Nevada, those first few months, living without the comforting presence of the mountains of her home state of Tennessee. The Smokeys had been her home, with it's beautiful, never-ending views and greenery. She missed the smell of honeysuckle in the morning and freshly baked cornbread. She missed her garden, which had taken her years to grow. She even missed her old house, with it's creaking floorboards and empty, empty, why so empty rooms. Kathy missed a lot of things about her life before NEST, but she didn't regret her decision to leave. She had had no one before Ultra Magnus had crashed into her backyard. But then she did. And then they came to Nevada, and she had more. Kathy was the happiest she had been for a long time. What she missed was the feeling, the homeness, of her old home, not the people. She was happy here, with her new family. A whimper distracted the redhead from her thoughts and she looked down at her lap where a large, slate-grey head was laying. Kathy smiled gently and petted the dog's head. His soft fur was smooth and clean. "Ah'm fine Boss, don't ya worry 'bout me." The pitbull whimpered again, clearly concerned. He was a smart dog. She nuzzled her face into his fur and whispered to him in comforting tones. "Don't cha worry now bubby, we'rah almost there..." He didn't like being on the plane, at all. She soothed the bluenose pit some more and he began to settle down.

"Ms. Kathy?" came a voice from behind her. Kathy turned, startled, to the woman who had walked up to her.

"Oh, Sara! You startled me." said Kathy sheepishly, clutching her chest.

Sara giggled, bright and loud. She was someone who was almost always happy, always smiling. Sara was persian, with long brown hair and dark eyes that reminded you of chocolate. The persian woman almost always wore a light pink, for it was her favorite color. It went well with her dark skin. Today, she was wearing a pair of comfortable white skinny jeans, a pink blouse, and white wedges. She had chosen to wear her hair down today. Kathy was sure that as soon as they landed, the London native would go back to her usual choice of barefeet, even on hot pavement. It was almost as if Sara couldn't feel it, or more likely, just didn't care. She hated shoes. "Sorry for scaring you Ms. Kathy! I was told to come tell you that we're almost there! In about another thirty minutes or so! You should start packing up your things now."

Kathy smiled at Sara, who didn't see as she was too busy making 'coochie coo' noises at Boss. It was easy to forget that Sara was the leading human security expert at NEST. She was just so cheerful. "Thanks Sara." Kathy waved goodbye and Sara went back to chattering at Red Alert, who was in his altmode. He was her guardian and she was one of the few people who could keep him calm.

"Excuse me all personel, we are preparing to land. Please put away all loose objects and put on your seatbelts. There will be a small amount of turbulence as there's a bit of storm surrounding the island." came Skyfire's voice over the intercomm. She had forgotten that they'd been riding in his altmode. He had been quiet the entire time, after all. Kathy quickly put Boss into his secured crate and got back into her seat, buckling up. She braced herself as the turbulence began to rock Skyfire across the sky and saw dark clouds surrounding him. Kathy clenched her eyes shut, trying not to be afraid. She wasn't normally all that afraid of flying, but turbulence made her very nervous. A little was okay and normal, but it felt as if the plane was being shook around like a tin can.

A few minutes later, they landed and Kathy let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding. Once the large bay doors had opened, the redhead let Boss and Odin the Great Dane, Kira's therapy dog, out of their crates. They immediately ran out of the plane and began to explore. She smiled and picked up her bag, heading down the ramp. "Boss! Odin! Come on!" she called after the two canines who had begun to run through puddles, splashing a few of the base kids. They ignored her, preferring to play with the children.

"Odin! Come on you stupid dog!" came the voice of Starscream, in his holoform, as he called the Dane to his side. Kira was clutching one of his hands and looking around nervously, her grey eyes wide. She didn't like new places very much. The dog stopped playing and went to sit very still next to Kira, who immediately placed her other hand on Odin's back. She relaxed slightly, now that both Starscream and the Dane were there with her.

Kathy nodded to Starscream and walked inside the HQ building and into her office/quarters. It was bigger than her old one in Nevada, with big (bulletproof) windows overlooking the greenhouses. The walls were a pale, soothing yellow, bordered with white trim and the floors were a dark wood. Instead of one desk, there were two. One for her and the other for Ultra Magnus. Her old, plush couch had already been placed, along with her other furniture, like her bookshelves and side tables. The Lambo twins often said she treated her office more like a living room instead of, well, an office. Kathy moved to go into the next part of her quarters, where the bedroom was. It was a decent sized room, with an attached bathroom with a large tub and seperate shower. She'd have to move the furniture around a little bit and make it more her style, but she was happy with the room.

Kathy set her laptop on her desk and turned it on just as the door opened. Ultra Magnus walked in, soaked to the bone. Boss followed him in. She giggled at the sight of him. He glared lightly before smiling. Quickly walking over to Kathy, he embraced her in a hug, allowing some of the water to get on her clothes. "Ah! Get off me! Stop it, no!" shouted Kathy, laughing. Ultra Magnus didn't let her go, but moved behind her to see what she was doing.

"What in Primus' name are you already doing on your laptop? You haven't even moved in yet." he asked.

Kathy pushed his face away from the screen. "If you must know, I got a few ideas for some new rules while on the flight here. I need to write them down before I forget and Prowl starts to crawl up my ass."

Ultra Magnus rolled his eyes. "He's not that bad." She raised her eyebrow at him. "Okay, so maybe a little bad." Kathy scoffed and turned back around. She began to type.

221\. Do not hide in the vents for any reason.

(Unfortunately, not even for Hide & Seek.)

(This does not mean you can hide in Metroplex's vents either!)

(He can feel you crawling around in there!)

(Imagine having ants crawling around in your lungs.)

(Yeah, not fun.)

222\. Do not challenge any Cybertronian to an arm wrestling match or a thumb war.

(You will lose.)

(Badly.)

(Hell, you might even break something.)

223\. Do not introduce yourself James Bond style to the newbies.

("The names Swipe. Sideswipe.")

("So your name is Swipesideswipe? What a stupid name.")

("...")

224\. Do not try to film your own Soap Opera in the rec room.

("But Zachary, my love. Why do you not look at me? Have I done something?")

("No, my dear Irene. It is just that... we have to stop seeing eachother.")

("But why Zachary? With my husband and your wife having an affair with eachother, this is the only way to get back at them. So why?")

("Irene... I'm pregnant. *queue dramatic looking off into the distance*")

(This is when the whole room broke.)

(Even Shockwave laughed.)

(Prowl is still glitched. Good job guys!)

225\. Beach volleyball is not to be played with a giant catapult you built yourselves.

(Scratch that. You can't use a catapult to play beach volleyball at all.)

(Something about the ball going too far and hitting innocent bystanders.)

(If they didn't want to get hit with the ball, they shouldn't have been standing over 200 feet away.)

226\. Quoting any Studio Ghibli movie is banned.

(Kira to Starscream after some base kid splashed mud on her as he went by: "I hate boys, but I love Ms. Kathy's cookies!"- Based off 'My Neighbor Totoro')

(Why thanks sweetie. I do my best! If only everyone would stop stealing the energon sweets I make for my boys!)

(It's dangerous for a human to make those, you know. Energon is poisonious to humans.)

(Ratchet doesn't like how often I make them, even if I wear protective gear when I do it.

(Sideswipe to Magnus and I when Sunny started having one of his snits: "He's calling the spirits of darkness. I saw him do this once before when a femme dumped him.")

(My boys are such drama bots, *rolls eyes*)

(Me to Magnus when we were leaving the Nevada base to go to Diego Garcia and some of the base kids who weren't coming gave me a bouquet: "I get a bouquet and it's a goodbye present. That's depressing." from 'Spirited Away')

(A few days later, once we had settled in, I found a bouquet of wildflowers on my desk. The only person I said that to was Magnus.)

(I kissed him on the cheek later that day and thanked him for the flowers.)

(I didn't think it was possible for a bot to blush, even using a holoform!)

227\. Black hole grenades are not to be used for golf games.

(Admittedly, it does making winning easier.)

(But it is also, apparently, 'cheating' and 'dangerous.')

(Personally, I think it just makes a boring game all the more fun)

228\. Real Life Fruit Ninja is not to be played on base.

(For hopefully obvious reasons. *picks pumpkin guts out of hair*)

(Though using the catapult to throw fruit at Drift and Sideswipe to slash at it fun.)

(*coughs violently* I mean what catapult?! We totally destroyed the old one...)

(Oh, who am I kidding? We hide it in the Lab o' Doom when base is getting inspected or we're not using it.)

229\. If the Hatchet says you have malnutrition, you have malnutrition damn it.

(So listen to what he fucking says.)

(Do not sneak junk food into your diet unless you need to gain weight and he says it's okay.)

( And if he does say it's okay, don't steal anyone else's shit.)

(Buy your own fucking junk food. We work hard to hide our's from Ratchet.)

230\. Don't use Jolt as a charger.

(He has too much shit to do and he's complained multiple times.)

(You tend to be busy when you're the guy in charge of keeping a military base running.)

(He told me that if you guys keep asking, he will purposely fry your shit.)

(Also, are you guys seriously that impatient that you can't be bother to plug your phone or whatever into the THOUSANDS of plugs-ins we have on base.)

231\. Angry Birds is not played with real birds and pigs thank you.

(Not only is this disturbing, it is also considered animal cruelty.)

(And shit's less likely to break if you just use stuffed animals instead.)

232\. Using the stale flatbread from the canteen for swordfighting in the halls is forbidden.

(This does not mean you can use it for swordfighting anywhere else either.)

(This does not mean you can use anything else for swordfighting.)

(NO SWORDFIGHTING.)

233\. No more jello swimming pools.

(This is when you take a small kiddie pool, fill it up with water and jello mix, then let it set.)

(Apparently, being able to eat a good fourth of it by yourself is not something you should be able to do.)

(Not that I've done that or anything.)

(...)

(I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE DAMN IT.)

234\. If you do decide to bring a sugary beverage into a bot's altmode, please try not to spill it.

(If you do spill it, please try to clean it up as fast as possible, before it dries.)

(It gets all sticky and gross. It gums up a bot's gears, ya know?)

(Also, Ratchet gets pissy.)

235\. We, as an orginization, can no longer afford to cover the base in powdered sugar and call it snow.

(First of all, we live on an island.)

(In the south.)

(Snow is not sweet.)

(And finally,)

(WE)

(ARE)

(ON)

(A)

(BUDGETAH)

(HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO FUCKING TELL YOU!?)


	21. 236-250

236\. The 'K-I-S-S-I-N-G' song is not to be sung at couples who are off duty.

(This does not mean you can sing it at couples who ARE on duty.)

(Especially when they are not actually a couple.)

(Sara and Red Alert are not a couple. As far as I know.)

(Neither are Ratchet and Ironhide.)

(*coughcoughOTPcough*)

(It seems I have come down with a summer cold. My apologies.)

237\. Please refrain from checking your social media during meetings.

(Social media being Facebook, Twitter, etc.)

(I got caught browsing Tumblr.)

(One of the pics I was looking at was NSFW. Aka, not safe for work.)

(Galloway snatched my phone and looked at it, blushed as red as a firetruck, and showed everyone else, trying to embarass me.)

(Bitch, I don't give a fuck.)

238\. Palm trees are not backscratchers and should not be used as such.

(Apparently, Cybertronians can get itchy too.)

(Someone, I won't say who, just that his designation rhymes with NIDS got a coconut stuck in his shoulder plates.)

(Don't ask me how, because not even Ratchet knows.)

(Ironhide has began to show off by taking a bunch of coconuts in his servos and crushing them for the kids.)

(I didn't say this, but it's really cute.)

239\. Icebreaker Games should not be played by new recruits at parties.

(The Blanket Game is hard to do if it's an outside party because the bots usually stay in robot mode instead of holoform to get the recruits used to them.)

(Then there was that weird one where we picked a partner, walk around in circles, and touch body parts.)

(Yeah...)

240\. If you decide to prank the decepticons, please refrain from painting them to look like Minions and dumping banana bunches on them.

(Megatron actually hailed us from the Nemesis to yell at us, he was so pissed.)

(Optimus had his mask up the entire time. He was shaking and tense. He looked so mad...)

(Once the call ended, he burst out laughing. He didn't stop for ten minutes.)

(Oh, he saw the streak of bright yellow behind Buckethead's left audial too?)

241 a. No putting Decepticon stickers on inanimate electronics or one of the few regular cars.

(The kitchens got blown up. AGAIN.)

(We got here two weeks ago! GAH.)

(Luckily, the government thought ahead for once and gave us more than one.)

(We are so luck Galloway has insurance.)

(*sigh*)

241 b. No putting Decepticon stickers over a recharging bot's Autobot symbol.

(So)

(Many)

(Screams.)

242\. No stuffing fireworks into a bot's cannons, even if you have their permission.

(Apparently, all this does is have them blow up in said bot's face.)

(Sunstreaker is now very... displeased... with Fig and Epps.)

(They have recently decided to take their two weeks of leave now.)

(What morons.)

(Sunny won't be over it in two weeks.)

243\. It is actually considered cheating to shoot at other players when playing life sized chess in the HQ parking lot.

(This is a surprisingly popular pass time on base.)

(But, as you probably know, many of the bots are competitive. Extremely.)

(Ironhide shoots practice rounds at 'pawns.' Which are usually humans.)

(Please note that practice rounds for Ironhide are the cybertronian eaquivalent to human grenades.)

(He is no longer allowed to participate.)

244\. Just because you're a mad scientist does not mean you can recruit base kids to be your minions.

(I'm lookin' at you Shockwave.)

(Y'all's experiments are way too dangerous for the kids to be around.)

(And that don't mean you can recruit soldiers either!)

245\. Please refrain from running around base, screaming your head off.

(Sara, you are so mean.)

(You had ol' Red Alert worried.)

(Not to mention that some bots are still complaining of ringing audials.)

(But congrats Sar! You've recieved your very first Psyche Evaluation! You will now begin to have many more.)

(Welcome to N.E.S.T. sweetie!)

246\. Stop uploading yourselve onto video games so you can cheat.

(Soundwave, you can be a real ass, ya know that?)

(How am I supposed to even have a chance at winning against you if you cheat?)

(It's bad enough when Prowl and I play a game, what with his stupid advanced tactical processor.)

(Of course, seeing as we hate eachother and the only thing to make us work together is our mutal hatred for Galloway, we don't tend to spend all that much time together.)

247\. Don't make fun of Ironhide for being the base kids' "tooth fairy."

(He gets enough crap for it as is.)

(Besides, it's sweet.)

(Whenever a kid looses a tooth, they tell Ratchet. Who tells Ironhide.)

(That night, with the permission of the parents, he sneaks in wearing a bright blue suit, fairy wings, and a tiara, then leaves them a hershey's kiss and a dollar.)

(We tried to convincing him to wear a tutu but he took out his cannons.)

(He'd look stupid in a tutu anyway. *laughs nervously*)

248\. You are not the Avatar, nor are you a bender.

(So stop trying to convince Jolt you can redirect his lightning attacks!)

(I swear, if I smell burning flesh one more time, I will have a conniption.)

(Also, you're teaching the base kids it's okay to throw rocks at people.)

(Which it is not.)

249\. Please look where you are sitting.

(Ironhide, I know you are not that stupid. You knew exactly who's car you were sitting on.)

(Prowl sat on a box of land mines and blew his aft right off a few days ago!)

(It was glorious.)

(It was even funnier when we found it later that day.)

(Bob was chewing on it.)

250\. If your spouse dies in combat, please don't just leave and give your children up for adoption.

(Especially when you find out they have a birth defect.)

(A woman on base lost her husband while she was still pregnant with their son. When she found out he would be born with a severe club foot on his left side, she decided she didn't want him anymore. The woman decided to give him up for adoption.)

(I don't understand why. It's a usually easy enough thing to fix, especially in newborns. Then again, when Kira was still up for adoption, no one wanted her because she's technically missing an arm and a leg, even if she has technorganic prosthetics.)

(I decided to adopt him. Ratchet is gonna see what he can do about his foot.)

(That damn woman didn't even name him. She was gone off this base the second Ratchet and the human medics said she could leave.)

(Brandon Elijah Woodward is going to be the most over protected little boy this world has ever seen, what with four older brothers and an autobot lieutenant for a father, not to mention all his crazy aunts and uncles.)

(Elijah was Magnus' idea for a middle name because he's sort of the dad now.)


	22. 251-265

251\. Don't just up and give Bran a cybertronian designation without consulting Magnus and I.

(Especially when you give him the name 'Goldfoot.'

(Apparently, Bran is blonde. Very, very gold blonde.)

(*rolls eyes* Very creative, the seekers are not.)

(Other names he is not to be called are: Claw, Autostalker, Crackload, Brushcrack, or Sunslinger.)

(I don't like the way people say 'Crackload.' Are they saying my son is a crack baby and that's why he has a club foot? *narrows her eyes*)

(Though, I actually really like Sunslinger...)

252\. If you see Magnus, either set of twins, or myself napping anywhere we are not in immediate danger, do not wake us up.

(Bran is one of THOSE babies.)

(Like I didn't get enough sleep as is...)

(He NEVER stops crying.)

(Hell, he crys when he eats, when he sleeps, even when he's playing.)

(Ratchet says that clubfoot doesn't hurt babies, but it will become a disability when he gets older...)

(Damn it... I don't know... what to... dooo... zzzzzzz.)

"Damn it Sides, stop messing with my hair!" whispered Sunstreaker fiercely, trying to keep it down as he swiped at his brother. Sideswipe grinned widely but put a finger to his lips in the universal 'be quiet!' motion. The two were walking down the hallway of the HQ building in holoforms, going to visit their mother.

"Shhhh, he finally went to sleep." He gestured to the baby carrier strapped onto his back, with a blonde baby with whispy golden hair and rosy cheeks. If he wasn't asleep and his eyes were open, you would see that the baby's eyes were bottle green and seemed to watch everything around him with fascination, wonder, and a deep knowledge. It sometimed looked as if he knew and understood what was going on around him. It was creepy, actually.

Sunstreaker huffed and corrected his hair. He and Ultra Magnus had recently decided to make their already blond hair match Brandon's. "Why are we on babysitting duty again?" They paused as a group of base kids went running past, playing a game of tag. The NEST headquarters was more like a play ground for the many children who lived on Base instead of the central nervous system of a (sort of) top secret military organization.

"Because bro, Magnus has watch duty, Ma had a meeting, and would you trust even a cube of energon to Skids and Mudflap?" He raised an eyebrow at his brother.

Sunstreaker snorted. "Pit no. Unlike you, I'm not stupid."

"Hey! One time I ask them to hold my energon and they blow it up, just once! And you haven't let it go since!" Sideswipe pouted.

"Because it was one time to many." replied his twin. They reached their mother's office, which had the words 'Director K. Woodward' enscribed in gold lettering across it. Kathy hated it and you could see she had tried to scrape it off with a straight razor. She said it made her look like she was better than anyone else. Above the scratched out lettering was a piece of paper that had been drawn on. In bright green crayon, a random base kid had written 'Ms Kathy's Office' She much preferred this one. Sunstreaker knocked lightly on the door before opening it and entering the office. Just before Bran had been born, she had moved into one of the many military houses on Base, located on the northen part of the island. She much preferred it there, seeing as it allowed her to bring all of her furniture out of storage and begin her garden once more. That, and she threw the best house parties... when she actually had a house.

Sideswipe followed his brother into the office and called out softly, careful not to wake Bran, "Hey Ma! You here? We brought back Sir Sharts Alot for ya!" He recieved a small slap upside the head from Sunstreaker for that. Brandon the baby slept on, drooling onto his (much much) older brother's back.

Kathy was indeed still in her office, but she was propped up against her desk, fast asleep. Sunstreaker went up behind her and whispered. "Hey Ma, you alive?" He poked her cheek and she grumbled, turning her head away from him. "Guess so..." The blonde read what she had typed so far and grinned, a mischevious glint filling his eyes. "Hey Sides, put Bran in his play pen thing and help me move Ma onto the couch."

Sideswipe raised a brow at his brother, but did as told. "Okay, why? Whatcha' thinkin' 'bout?" He carefully lifted his adoptive mother out of her chair and layed on the overstuffed couch she still had in her office. The red head then placed Brandom in his playpen and walked over to Sunstreaker.

"Well, Ma fell asleep before she could finish writing this week's rules right? So we should finish them for her!" Sideswipe grinned widely and settled in beside his brother, rubbing his hands gleefully.

253\. The following items are banned on base. (Sides: Man, this rule sucks!)

(Bubble Wrap: Imagine tiny little machine guns going off at the same time as a robot steps onto a four foot tall pile.)

(Soldiers with PTSD and bubble wraps machine guns do not mix.)

(2. Silly Putty: Someone bought Ma ten pounds of silly putty and gave it to me by placing over several of her favorite paper weights and let it melt over them onto several stacks of very important papers.)

(Peanut Butter: If you have peanut butter, keep it inside your house. Ratchet heard about how a lot of people are severely allergic to peanuts.)

(Ma's tried to tell him that if people are careful, it shouldn't be a problem.)

(Of course, he won't listen.)

(A lot of base parents are mad at him now.)

254\. No drinking games.

(This never ends well for anyone involved.)

(Even if it is super fun. Like, a lot of fun!)

(Last time, we played a game called 'Drunk Disney'! It's where you pick a movie, someone gives you a drinking game that goes with the movie, then everytime that situation comes up in the movie, you take a shot.)

(This can be played with any movie actually, but there's a thrill to drinking during a kids movie.)

255\. Do not substitute Red Bull for the water in the Meeting Room coffee machine.

(*they both whistle innocently* We have absolutely no idea who did this one at all, but they must have been GENIUS.)

(... Okay, so Ma and Magnus have been super tired lately. We decided to help 'em out because Ma LOVES coffee and Magnus has kinda gotten addicted to it too.)

(Sunstreaker: *rolls eyes* He swears he just likes the taste, but whatever.)

(Apparently all it does is 1. Make the coffee taste bad and 2. Make them go INSANE.)

(Ma can barely keep still even when she's been drinking normal coffee, but we were scared for our sparks for a while there.)

(She was so mad when she finally snapped out of it.)

(Magnus is still making fun of her.)

256\. You are not Ant-Man, stop saying you are.

(That means stop projecting your holoforms to be as tiny as him.)

(Mirage.)

(Though I have to say the giant ant was pretty fragging cool.)

(Sideswipe: You mean pretty fragging creepy. 'Member bro, you're the one with the pet Insecticon!)

(Hey! Don't diss Bob or I'll call Boss to come and bite you!)

(Sideswipe: *scoffs* More like he'll come and lick me to death. Ooooh~ So scared!~)

257\. No using holographic of Slenderman or other scary figures to scare people.

(Fuck Slenderman. Seriously.)

(He sucks. I hate Slenderman.)

(Sunstreaker: Not to mention whoever projected those Freddy Fazbear's animatronics. Specifically, fuck that stupid bear.)

(Scarier than Megatron, that's for sure.)

(*they both shudder*)

(Also, whoever keeps using holographs to scare the base kids?)

(Sunstreaker: Ma would like to have a... conversation with you.)

(*they both glare and crack their knuckles* And so would we.)

258\. Wheeljack and Shockwave are not to be called the 'Science Bros' nor 'Science Boyfriends'.

(While they are actually good friends and balance eachother out, they are not in a relationship.)

(Sideswipe:... As far as we know. Maybe we should ask Soundwave. He'd know.)

(I already did. He doesn't know. Neither do the other Science bots or the seekers.)

(Sideswipe: Maybe we should just up and ask 'em?)

(Together:... NAH!)

259\. Just because cooking can be scientific, doesn't mean the science bots should attempt to cook.

(Never has the mess hall been emptied so quickly.)

(Sunny: Sides dared me to eat the food Starscream and Wheeljack made. It moved.)

(You did eat it though.)

(Sunny: Don't remind me... *shudders violently*)

260\. Please don't put BBs into a Cybertronian's tank while we're recharging.

(When we wake up and start movin' around, it's like you swallowed a bunch of pebbles.)

(Sideswipe: We get really sick and start purging our energon. It sucks.)

(This happened last week to Skids and Bumblebee. They're still in medbay, and they're still puking up energon.)

(Sideswipe: Sam, Ratchet, and Ma are on the warpath right now. We have no idea who it was.)

261\. All attempts at altering rules without express permission from Prowl, Optimus Prime, or the Director will result in swift punishment.

(Not even Sunny and I are stupid enough to do this.)

(Skywarp's tried a couple of times, but then he gets brig time and 'Lab of Doom' cleaning duty.)

(Sunstreaker: Ma and Prowl actually order the science bots to make the lab super messy when someone is assigned cleaning duty in their sector.)

(You can tell they're probably heartbroken by those orders by Starscream's mad cackling.)

262\. Just because the Decepticons tag billboards does not mean you have to.

(This rule stinks, doesn't it bro?)

(Sideswipe: I don't really care unless I need to tag something for a prank. You're the artist in the family.)

(We don't know about Bran yet though.)

(Sideswipe: *looks at Brandon, who's still asleep* Yeah, but I don't think he's gonna be an artist.)

(*sigh* I know...)

Kathy woke slowly as the manic giggling grew louder. She groaned and popped her back as sat up from where she was lying on the couch. "Boys," she began after noticing them at her laptop, "what are you doing?" Sideswipe looked and grinned cheekily at her.

"Hey Ma. Have a nice nap?" She raised an eyebrow, nodded, and simply moved the two out of the way and sat down at her laptop. Kathy skimmed what they had typed and smiled at them.

"Thanks boys. This is perfect."

263\. To any autobot in a commercial or filming set don't try to steal the show...you're supposed to be keeping a secret.

(No matter poorly hidden that secret is.)

(And that most of you can be recognized on sight.)

(When you're actually trying to hide, no matter that you never try that hard.)

(NEST has pretty much stopped caring.)

264\. Memo: All Military Executives and Logistics Personel

(The Decepticons are not on our restrained budget. If Megatron wants to attempt to build a giant purple griffin, then all we must do is prevent him from getting the supplies to do so. We do not do such things. The United States already has a budget for unfeasible military projects. We do not need to attempt to imitate a clearly mad alien.

Regards,

Secretary of Defense, State Monetary Committee and local Inventors Guild.)

265\. Try not to ruin the moment.

(Especially when it's a proposal...)

(Magnus asked me to bond with him yesterday. He said that since we have Brandon and both sets of twins have started to, at least jokingly, calling him Dad, we might as well.)

(He also said that he's figured out what kind of imprint we share. It's a romantic one.)

(He then handed me one of the many bolts he has, smoothed and polished. He even got down on one knee. Mech did his research.)

(I responded by rolling my eyes at him and saying, "Really? What was your first clue?" Then I kissed him.)

(Then we stopped to stare at the crowd of people who had begun cheering and yelling 'FINALLY!')

(Fuckers ruined the moment.)

(There was a party afterwards. Big surprise. I think I saw Sara kiss Red Alert.)

(We're thinking a fall ceremony.)


	23. 267-280

266\. Don't ask people about their favorite colors.

(Sunstreaker's, big surprise, is yellow. Specifically, the color of Bran's hair.)

(Sideswipe actually told me that his favorite color used to be red, and it still is, but he says he love the color of my hair.)

(My boys are so precious!)

(My favorite is the color of Magnus' optics. I could look at them for hours. I have, actually.)

(Also, I have no idea why this is a rule. Prowl made me do it. *rolls eyes*)

267\. Don't record the weird things people say in their sleep.

('Don't leave the duck there. It's totally irresponsible. Put it on the swing, it'll have much more fun.'-Megatron. According to the various cons on base, he talks a lot in his sleep. And has a thing for rubber ducks... For some reason.)

('I'm totally gonna fuck the carpe out of this diem.'-Ironhide, according to Ratchet. They were in a meeting with Optimus and Ironhide fell into recharge and started talking. All we have to say is 'Carpe diem' and Ol' Hide goes into a snit.)

('Stop it Boss. STOP IT, BOSS! Go away. Shhh... Go to Mommy... GET OFF... I will fucking skin you alive and wear you like a slipper.'-Ultra Magnus. I woke up before the alarm and decided to wake up Magnus a little early. But I wanted to be nice about it, so I started petting him with the blanket. He thought it was Boss licking him. He is not coherent when he's just waking up. Boss wasn't even in the room. He's taken to guarding Bran's crib.))

('You got an issue with my goat, you got an issue with me. Come on, goat. We're going somewhere where we're welcome. Baaaaah.' Is it any surprise this is Miles? He's been complaining about wanting a pet goat for a few weeks now. Barricade can barely tolerate Mason the Mastiff, let alone a goat.)

(Don't tell Barricade or Prowl, but I've been thinking of getting a few for the front of HQ. We're always so busy, no one has time to mow.)

('Do re mi... fucking so la ti do, asshole.' Magnus again! He says the darnest things while in recharge, I swear. It's great. We both listen to the recording every morning and it always puts us in a great mood.)

('Your voice has that haunting melody of whale song… without pitch or tone. Painful. Fucking painful.'-Rumble. Just like his dad apparently.)

('Correctomundo! Take the frame and shit on it, stick it on the wall and stare at it with pride. Cause that's the best thing you're ever going to do.'- Sunstreaker. Ah the pleasures of having an artist in the family.)

('Primus, I can read your mind. I see blank pages, more blank pages— oh, cute kitty! Oh, lovely little kitty— more blank pages... Primus, you're so vacant.'-Soundwave. Who would have though Soundwave would talk in his sleep?)

('Seriously. I'm just gonna have to call you anus breath from now on.'-Bumblebee! He can be a vulgar little shit sometimes, even in his sleep. Barricade won't stop making fun of him!)

268\. No leaving crayons in the hot sun.

(I used to do this as a kid. Basically, all you do is take a crayon, without the wrapper, and leave it in the hot sun for a few hours. Come back, there is now a puddle of wax to play with.)

(This is the Chevy Twins' fault. They took some of Bran's big crayons and left them on the back porch, then FORGOT ABOUT THEM.)

(Sunstreaker and Sideswipe like to go through the backdoor because it's the closest to the garage. They didn't notice the puddles of wax.)

(Most of the house has carpet flooring.)

(WHITE carpet.)

(I am not pleased.)

269\. No one is allowed to watch South Park while on Duty.

(Especially during the day when any random kid can wander through the security office.)

(Besides, those monitors are for the cameras! Not for cable television!)

270\. Do not parkour all across base. That goes for both humans and Cybertronians.

(Too much chaos. We have military discipline: Use it.)

(Who am I kidding? A class of grade 1 kids has more discipline than NEST on your average day.)

(But that's why I love it here.)

271\. Even if you are drilling the recruits, no swearing in front of the base kids.

(Those kids see enough shit already, we don't need to be influencing their vocabularies too.)

(Ironhide, Epps.)

(They both get a thrill from drawing inspiration from Full Metal Jacket. It's Ironhide's favorite movie.)

(Sadistic bastards.)

272\. No treating equally experienced reassigned officers like recruits.

(Like many things here at NEST, you'd think this wouldn't need to be said.)

(You would be wrong of course.)

(So Sergeant Sexism has been at it again. Big surprise.)

(We just got in a whole squad of medics from the Army, which we are thankful for. We're expanding the medbay and putting in a room full of berths so Bot's can have a place to rest, along with a surgery for both humans and Cybertronians.)

(Ratchet's been having to work out of a tent if someone needs any serious repairs. Which is often, because Science Bots.)

(Sergeant Sexism has been treating the new medics like shit, because most of them are girls. They either let him 'flirt' with them or they get sent to Ironhide and Robert for 'P.T.' Which is bullshit, because they're not in charge of regular P.T, Will is. They're in charge of Boot Camp and Battle Training.)

(Unfortunately, it took us a few weeks until we realized what was going on. And we only realized it because it was right after a battle and half of the medics passed out from exhaustion while doing triage.)

(They had been pulling full shift, even multiple ones, all the while doing intensive physical training.)

(They thought we knew and just didn't care.)

(All of the officers are going to be getting together to have a 'talk' with Sergeant Sexism. If I have any say in the matter, NEST will be down an officer soon.)

(Good fucking riddance.)

273\. Just because you have blanks and practice weapons doesn't mean you can pretend to fight each other or pretend to be under attack when outside the simulation room.

(You know, I think I've covered this before.)

(It's one thing to spar in the training room and another to do it out in the PARKING LOT!)

(Seekers can do it because a lot of their fights happen in the air, but they have a controlled airspace with no buildings nearby.)

(Grounders do not.)

(That is what the training room and training areas are for.)

(And pretending that the base in under attack is not good for morale.)

(And everyone has heard the story of the Boy who cried Wolf. Even the bots have a version.)

274\. Do not quote Full Metal Jacket.

(Someone accused Ironhide of being rascist for some reason. So he got in there face and screamed, "THERE IS NO RACIAL BIGOTRY HERE! HERE, YOU ARE ALL WORTHLESS!")

(Sunstreaker to some random person in town when he overheard them complaining about how he can never get a girl. "You're so ugly, you're a modern art masterpiece!")

(It was not a compliment. Sunny got in a fight.)

(Again.)

275\. This is the third time I have said this, and I will say it again. NO MORE CALVIN AND HOBBES QUOTES.

("I think night time is dark so you can imagune your fears with less distraction." Me when asked my opinion on why kids are afraid of the dark.)

("Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that of it has tried to contact us." Miles in the middle of the rec room while a bunch bots in holoforms were in there. They all stopped what they were doing and glared at him.)

(I could see that smug little grin from across the room. Even Bumblebee glared at him.)

("Bad news Dad. You're polls are way down." "My polls?" "You rate especially low among insecticons and yellow lamborghinis." "Get out of my office Sunstreaker.")

("Wow, look at the grass stains on my skin. I say, if your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life." Me after working in my garden.)

("You can present the material, but you can't make me care." Simmons during a meeting with Galloway.)

276\. An order to shine your commanding officer's boots does not mean put the container on the boot.

(Don't just shine one part of the boots either.)

(You can't shine one boot and leave the other.)

(Just do it. It doesn't take long.)

277\. I am not allowed to speak more than a few words at military ceremonies.

(Those words may not be 'Roomper Bomper Stomper Boo.')

(Neither can it be 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE!')

278\. Don't use holographic projector to make pokemon look real.

(How the hell am I supposed to explain to Galloway that he saw Rayquaza?)

(But Magnus did project a couple of my favorite pokemon for me. I would totally be a Dark Type Specialist. But I'd keep a Magikarp too.)

(I've always wanted a Gyarados. They're badass.)

279\. Don't mark minefields with a smiley face.

(That doesn't mean you mark it with a frowny face.)

(Or a cartoon bomb.)

(Or a mushroom cloud.)

280\. No alcohol IVs.

(Apparently, it gets you drunker.)

(As I have said, Ratchet does not enjoy pumping stomachs.)

(So DON'T DO IT!)


End file.
